I was reading on Erica’s blog her thoughts about Tops and Bottoms, about switching and not wanting to watch male Bottoms get spanked. The discussion got a bit heated and I found that fascinating because even as I was reading what Eric wrote I found myself feeling very strongly on the subject. I was just like the few others who got a bit tense. Most people behaved well, only a couple got tetchy, and I was well behaved. But it took effort for me to do that. I went from totally calm to all tense and jumpy, and that reaction fascinates me.

We were not talking about abuse or injustice (and in fact those topics make me calm because I believe calm is the only thing that helps victims of those things) only about a variation on TTWD. So why was I so uptight?

I know we all have our own preferences and there is no reason why this aspect of our lives should be any different. I think no matter what our likes and dislikes are, when we express them some people feel hurt and judged, and that is in no way my intention here. I will write what I feel about different ways of doing TTWD and I worry that this may hurt some people but that is in no way my intention. I have worked hard to express myself here in a way that will not cause unhappiness to others. By writing this, I am trying to work out why these feelings are so strong.

I don’t understand switching. (Not the use of a switch which I think is just mean and horrid but rather the swapping from Top to bottom and back again.)  I think switching is neither right nor wrong, but a way of doing and being that I find it hard to understand. I think that may be because for me being spanked and told off is a way I live, and I need to see the Top in my life as being in charge of me. We have an intense relationship. I don’t want to think of him being spanked because that would reduce my trust in him. Is that silly? I don’t think so because I want to look up to him all the time. I don’t think he is perfect and I know he makes mistakes, but I do not want him to be accountable like I am accountable. The thought of him being told off, let alone the physical aspect of it, makes me shudder and turns me off utterly. I do not know why that is but I feel it deeply.

It does occur to me that switching is quite a natural way for a couple to be. Sometimes the husband is in the right and sometimes the wife, that is the normal pattern of things. But still I find the subject causes me stress and makes me more uptight than it should.

If my lover switched I would hate it for many reasons. I think I would feel too far below the bottom of the pile. I do not want to be a bottom’s bottom.  I feel too emotional about it. I like the linear structure of the relationship. I like the faux traditionalism, the “father knows best” aspect of it. I like that he is stronger than I am and taller. I like that he always wins; that  gives me tremendous comfort, and the idea of losing that makes me feel sad.

I can see how switching may work for people at parties. (“So I got caned by him and then I thought I would try it so I caned her.”) I also think there are people who live full time as switches and this makes them happy and relaxed, just as the way I live makes me happy and relaxed. I do not understand that for a moment. I also do not understand how light splits up into infra red and ultra violet. It goes on happening though.

I know all of this, so why does the idea of switching bring up such a strong response for me?  Part of this must be to do with empathy. I cannot help but put myself in the part. Am I expected to switch or to be topped by a switch? Of course not, but the feeling of that pressure does lead to a feeling of anxiousness.

That may be increased by the way I am within TTWD. I am still new at it and the way that TTWD manifests itself in me is that my feeling of being new, innocent (ironic, huh?) and open is increased. I love the change I feel but it means that I am very affected by new things and new ways of being. Simply my being a bottom and open to the leadership of Himself I am more affected by what I hear about others. It is part of my way of living that makes other people’s ways feel like a threat sometimes.

As for male bottoms, the thought does not float my boat at all. I find men attractive when they are in charge and assertive, and I used to struggle with the idea of men wanting to be spanked. It was only when I read this and this by  Prefectdt that I could understand it at all. I know there are lots of men in the world and that men who wish to be spanked will not all be like Prefectdt, but in my head they will, and that means I can understand and be more relaxed around them. I know if I tried to be all Toppy with Prefectdt he would tell me to get over myself. That makes things terribly easy with him, and learning that helped me to understand something about my approach to male bottoms.

I used to (wrongly) see them as wanting to be like girls in this but I do not think that is the case. They are men, still men who want to be spanked. They are still men, still a wide variation of men and not someone who expects me to see them as just like me. We can be different still. I do not know why that matters to me but it does.

Except I have met in the past some male bottoms who would bounce up to me without introduction and want to tell me all about their last spanking and what their bum looks like. I found this to be invasive, a horrid parody of what they thought was female bonding and a kind of pervy invasion. It was too much and it mean that when I wanted to be safe and relaxed I had to toughen up and assert myself. I lost my place to be calm and happy.

But reading Prefectdt (who is not like that even a little bit) has reduced that memory. I am still anxious around male bottoms but not so much.

In the same way, Our Bottoms Burn make sense to me. They switch, which I could never do, but conduct themselves with decorum everywhere that I have read them. This makes it easy to read about them and to engage with them. I feel I can still be me while they are being them.

It is some other switches and male bottoms I have encountered expect me to be part of their lifestyle choice, and for me that causes tension. I have encountered switches who expect me to relate to them as though he or she is my Top, and male bottoms who expect me to be all Toppy around them. I just can’t fulfill these roles, and that expectation makes me anxious.  I think I have the same feelings towards male Tops who try to boss me around with no relationship already established.

I think that sums it up for me. I need very much to explore the submissive part of myself in a way that makes me happy and relaxed. I choose to do this with a male Top and in an exclusive relationship. I require space from others to do this. If I read something that turns me off then that is my problem, and I should click away from the site. But if someone chooses to engage with me then he or she cannot expect me to become part of his or her dynamic unless that suits me.

I do know that if I am expected to be part of someone else’s role play I get tense and it annoys me. I like it when there are proper Toppy men around who speak to me in a proper Toppy way, and by that I mean they conduct themselves with dignity and decorum and have that manly thing going on. I do not like it if someone strolls in and starts speaking to me as though I need telling off or, even worse, down to me.

Most of us have such strong feelings on these topics. I am starting to understand what it is that pushes my buttons and why I feel so strongly. What has surprised me very much about the journey I have undertaken is how many good people there are. I was scared to start a blog because I thought not only would I have nothing to say, and also that I would lay myself open to aggressive, nasty people, but almost every person I have met has proven to be a delight, no matter what his or her chosen role.

PS: I have just been reading about that poor couple that got bashed by all the DD haters. I then, quite stupidly, went and read a bit more. I found a site where people were talking about it and read for about three minutes and it made me feel sick. Those people were convinced that any womna in this life style is an absolute victim and abused and deluded. I am trying now to forget what I read and I know I will get told off a bit for reading something that upset me. We have to be kind to one another. That’s all.

Would you like another?