I am going to write about trolls. I am not sure I want to because I think they take up enough time but I am going to because I am angry and fed up with silliness. I want to write this so that I can say how I feel and so that other people might be able to use this to troll-spot and then press an ejector button and send a troll off into deep space.
To me, a troll is someone who uses the internet to serve him or herself whilst making other people feel bad. These people are not on a do-it-yourself site to talk about house improvements but rather to talk about themselves, cause discord, and make other people feel like poo. They may mention hammers now and again but that is all.
Here is, as a one time only event, Poppy’s guide to trolls.
1) Mr-you-owe-me-because-I-read-your-blog
These people think that because you post anything or write or exist in their computers that you owe them a piece of yourself. They may be nice sometimes, but it is normally a high-handed nice, a kind of irritatating faux benevolence that is more endured than appreciated. But then when you act in a real way (unlike the plastic dolls that probably line the walls of their house) they get abusive and aggressive. It is a like a very rubbish date who thinks you must have sex with him because he thought about buying you a drink and said that he might next time.
2) Mr-or-Ms-I-am-just-going-to-be-mean
These are a bit better than the others because at least they do not muck about. They come on, they are vile, and they go. This person will just be mean. It feels horrid to get missives from someone like this. I know because on my own site I have had a few. I do not get them here- interesting, huh? Here is what I wrote the last time I got one, I did not post it but kept it in case he wrote again.
“Now then, troll, you and I need to have a little chat.
Firstly, may I offer some advice?
If you are going to attempt to attack someone you should …
1) not use a proxy server to disguise who you are. It is an instant neon sign that you are a horrible person who is trying to hide. If you had anything worth saying you would use a name (you may make one up) and your normal IP address.
2) try to come up with an accusation that stands a chance of being true. This will induce doubt and upset in the unlucky recipient. Your accusation was so silly (that I loiter about the internet stealing other people’s ideas and posting them as my own) that it could not upset even me. I am easily upset, especially here, where I lay my heart open, but as mean as you were, you said something that has no chance of being true. I am glad you did that because it let me ignore you.
3) not claim to be part of a group of writers accusing me of plagiarism unless you have learnt to spell the word. It is not “plagerism.” I am the world’s worst speller, so to be taking spelling lessons from me is a low point in your life.
So, troll, here is what you should do.
- Write P-L-A-G-I-A-R-I-S-M fifty times.
- Go for a walk, read a book (you may take a look at the books I have read for some recomendations if you wish), tidy your closet, or anything that will take you out of yourself for a while. You are clearly unhappy. I think it would help if you did something for someone else. That is the best way to soothe a bitter soul.
- Find a big scary Top and tell him or her what you have done. You deserve a proper spanking.
- Stop sending silly, untrue comments and accusations. I understand you do not like me but you can’t hurt me. I am loved and happy. You are being a plonker. Stop it.
3) This is the trolling I really, really hate. Mr or Ms Unspecified-human-lies-lies-lies-but-adore-me
These people come on in a whirl of excitement and seem like the most wonderful person ever. They are witty, delightful, amazing, and a boon. Often prolific commenters, they encourage others to comment and it is like spring after a long winter. I think this skill is what makes me so angry with them. These trolls are witty and fun. If they wanted to they could just be their real selves and they would be a joy to have around, but no. That is not the troll way.
Their way is to
a) have an amazing life, the kind of life that when you read about it you look at your floor that needs hoovering and small pile of mismatched socks in your bedroom and think, “Where did I go wrong?”
b) be the centre of everything, every conversation, every exchange; throw tantrums often and be quick to take offence.
c) keen to make as much contact as possible. They will email at the drop of a hat and share, share, share. This is hard because these are fun people with amazing lives, and living in that reflected light is tempting.
d) repeatedly are at the centre of increasingly improbable life dramas, the kind of events that dominate everything for everyone else. It is hard for the normal people to say, “Sheesh, I’m a bit fed up today because I forgot to bring my lunch to work and my dog was sick on the carpet when I got home.” This is a bad day but not for Super-troll. Oh no, Super-troll will have been kidnapped twice before breakfast and then had their liver stolen by crocodile thieves paid by Super-troll’s own evil stepmother. Their lives are always like a character arc from Lost after the third series.
I used to feel sorry for these people until I realised that they are quite happy because they thrive on making other people feel rubbish and inferior, as though our regular lives and normal ups and downs are not worthy of time and attention. They are destructive and they do not care.
I would never want to hurt them back. I would not name names or shout abuse. I just want them to go back from whence they came.
Season, one of the wisest people I know, sent me this link, I choose victims to comfort me and it made me understand much more. Please read it.
Let us be clear though. We cannot come onto the internet and tell everything about ourselves. We need privacy so that we can be safe, to protect our families, and to allow us to tell the truth. We make up names. We do not tell exactly what we do during the day. We often do not reveal our ages and our locations. That is not lying, that is being sensible.
We could protect our hearts from trolls if we remember these things.
I have things in my life that I am proud of. I have a couple of people close to me that have done amazing things and when I get a big success at work I am proud of that too. I do not share these things because firstly, I am not a big boasty boots and secondly, it would make work mad (because you could work out who I am, were you that bored) and it would make the people close to me mad (because they have not chosen to be on a spanking site.) Trolls are the only people who need to persistently say, “Hey, I am super-cool, look at me! Hear about my exploits in all of my life. Let me tell you about everyone else I know.”
You are wonderful too. You just don’t boast about it. You just don’t lie about it.
And remember also, these people are drawn to what you have and what you are.
You know why this makes me so mad though. You do know, don’t you? I am mad because it hurts to be lied to. I am mad because it brings self doubt and pain to this place of sanctuary and hope.
This has happened to me twice and each time it takes time to recover. It means that each time there is a newbie it takes a bit more time to trust and open up. It hurts because someone seeks us (and me) out in order to lie to us (and me). It hurts even more when we share something of ourselves with the troll.
We deserve more than that, and we will not and cannot let them alter us or what we do here.
Our doors are open and our hearts are open. This is a safe place, with amazing people, and that is the best antidote to unkind, manipulative people.
I have to say, writing that felt amazing. I also have to say that I would risk a thousand trolls to find the wonderful people that I know here.
And finally, Season really is the most kind and amazing woman. She came and got me when I was sad, a light in the dark, a tiny, ferocious beacon of friendship and truth. Thank you will never be enough but it is all I have. Thank you.
