I am going to introduce you to a game. This is for ladies only so gentlemen you may go and do some digging or play in oil or whatever it is you get up to.

Girls, do you ever get sent to the corner? We know what men can be like. A little bit of glitter in the wrong place, a playful remark that they get all tetchy about, or a simple mistake involving a cream pie and their face and there you go again, face in the corner, skirt raised above your bum and bored out of your mind.

If he were in any way reasonable he would let you take a book, your phone or maybe your manicure kit to the corner with you. He would provide you with a comfy chair and a cup of tea. And he would come and sit there with you; maybe let you curl up on his lap.

But until he sees reason and makes corner time more appropriate for your needs;  I have a diversion for you.

Right, so, you are in the corner, you know how it is. You are a bit embarrassed, maybe annoyed and certainly unsure of how long you are going to be in this ignoble position for.

The game, ladies, is afoot..

As you know Black Jack is a game where one must get cards as close as possible to twenty one without going over, if you go over you go bust or in other words, you lose.

Your first job is to pick a number – I suggest go low. Let us imagine you pick “three.”

You must now try to get three warnings of admonishments without further sanction. Threats of sanctions do not count. Here is an insight into how the game may be played*.

Innocent girl (henceforth to be known as IG) is in the corner, in position, hands behind her back, skirt tucked up, knickers at mid thigh, and nose in the corner.

Nefarious man  (henceforth to be known as NM) is sitting elsewhere in the room, maybe at his computer or pinning butterflies to a board.

IG cannot see NM for obvious reasons. Sometimes NM may glance at her but she will not know when that is.

IG has picked a number, in this case, as discussed earlier she has picked three.

Slowly she allows her skirt to creep down her legs. She does this tiny bit at a time, no great drop, or obvious change. She must be aiming for not being caught because if she lacks subtlety in her ingenious game then her bottom is forfeit. I did not warn you that the stakes are high but indeed they are.

So her skirt creeps down and eventually even NM manages to notice this and strides over to her. Her heart seems to stop and she tucks her head into her shoulders as he tells her very firmly to keep her skirt where it should be. She does not correct him about where her skirt should be as he lifts it once more to her waist and returns to his work. (This skirt move is called “The fall.” Should you wish to identify it in the future.)

She has reached one and all is well.  1-0 to IG

Now it is time for the second. I would suggest “The plank”. The aim of the plank is to make your body as straight as it can possibly go and lean at the most precarious angle possible. Feet to one side, shoulders to the other- this distraction has two advantages; not only does it count as one Black Jack point providing a little distraction but also it provides a rest for her feet if they are getting sore. When IG hears NM bark out, “And stand up straight or I will …(indeterminate threat)” then she can count her score as 2-0. She may have to stand up again but she is a winner and winners don’t mind standing up sometimes.

She is almost home and dry. So I shall suggest my favourite, sorry, IG’s favourite move henceforth to be known as “The shuffle.” IG must pick a direction, either to the left or to the right- not behind her, too much like obvious rebellion which breaks the rules of Black Jack and not forward which breaks the rules of physics which leaves the left or right. Very, very slowly, not lifting her feet or allowing her skirt or arms to drop she must shuffle in one direction as far as she is able. This move takes time. It requires patience which is a bit of a shame but what else has she to do? After all, the devil finds work for idle hands, she is keeping herself occupied which is the mark of a good girl.

With any luck IG can get maybe as far as a meter from the corner in which she has been placed before she gets caught. This will be a tricky moment. NM will certainly be frustrated by her daring do and wonderfulness. He will do a scary march in her direction and she will bite her lip while she awaits the fall of the axe.

You may all breathe a sigh of relief as NM simply returns her to her two sided prison and says that “If she does that again …” but then she stops listening.

You know why, don’t you?

IG-3  NM-0

Which means it is time for another round. I wonder what number is the highest she can get to?

*All stories are entirely fictitious and any relation to any person living or dead is in your fervid imagination. Shame on you.

Would you like another?