Well, I don’t really live with one, just in a pretend way. A week at my house when he can, a week at his sometimes when I am free, we have our own space which is a good thing. I am learning a lot.

This is what I am learning.

1)      Brats and Tops are both very stubborn. Brats are brats because have definite ideas about things. I am very much like this. I know everything and how it should be done. I am also aware that if things do not happen like I think they should that the world may very well come to an end. Dexter is a Top and for no good reason is very stubborn indeed. He is not like me in my fight to defend the world from descending into chaos- he just insists on getting his way because he is wrong. I tell him so. It really hurts my bum.

2)      You can’t turn real life Tops off or over or down. Tops a long way away get quiet when you need them to. They hush up and remove themselves until they are needed once more, like a butler or automatic windscreen wipers. But the one that is there most of the time will not hush up when I say so, even though I use my best assertive tone. He sees the things I do not wish him to see. Dexter is very good at this. It makes my bum red and sore.

3)      There is something imperceptibly different about this way of doing things. I am more vulnerable, less able to be brittle and the kind of faux independent that comes from the special quiet combination of rage and fear that an unfulfilled girl such as myself gets.  That was a very wordy sentence, wasn’t it? This is the key, this is what I wanted to tell you about. Even after a few days I am realising that this relationship with Dexter is going to alter me more than I ever imagined. I am not going to talk to you of love but rather just of the submission and spanking element of us.

I fight him more, harder and with no polite backing down, no capitulation because I feel sorry for him or am likely to be embarrassed by his failure to make me mind him. I never give in, this matters too much.

 When I lose it is harder. I find myself almost moved to tears. He is so casual, so strong that once or twice recently when he has threatened me with a spanking i have backed down, not because I don’t want the ignoble end of losing but because I don’t want to be spanked. I don’t quite understand what he is doing to me.

 I get spanked a lot and I like it. I don’t like it. I argue and I rage but I wake up in his arms even if I went to sleep mad with him.

 Writing this I know what is different. I have stopped trying to manipulate. I have stopped having a world of thought between what I say and what i mean. I have stopped setting traps for him. I don’t know how all this will turn out but I think I am looking forward to finding out.

Would you like another?