Before we start please may I say that I am really cheerful. I feel much happier because I am through the rough patch (I think!) and I certain I am about to have a happier week. So if I sound fed up then I have not written this well enough. This is that point when you have climbed a big hill and you are eating a well earned sandwich at the top and reviewing your progress. I have much further to go but am really quite up beat about where I am. I wrote this to see if any one else feels the same way. I really did not mean to sound self piteous. I was going for bemused with a touch of bewildered but under the umbrella of loved and lucky to be surrounded by super people.

A very wise friend of mine once tried to teach me about accepting uncertainty. I do not like uncertainty. I like to know what I will be doing and when. I like to have lists and to know train times. I cannot just find a hotel when I get there. Uncertainty is all very well in its place.

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them – that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” Lao Tzu

But I have to live an uncertain life and I don’t want to. I will not tell you the tale of my life (that is private) it is just there are things that I would wish different and I have no idea if they will change or how they will change. I do not know whether to work on acceptance or to strive for a goal. I find this most irritating. I do wish my life would come and consult me- writing that makes something rather glaring occur to me but that is for another day.

“If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.” Lao Tzu

For the last few weeks certain events that have bashed me. I would like to be clear that there has been no illness, death or fires. There are no life changing disasters. Flowers and condolences need not be sent. It has just been a series of unpleasant events, like a parochial and tedious version of a Lemony Snicket book. But they did keep on coming. Each time I clambered out of one hole I stood up to dust myself off and heard someone say, “Hey, Poppy!” I would turn and find myself on the end of a shove and would fly with a dearth of delicate movement to the bottom of another hole, think less Black Swan and more hurtling duck.

“Respond intelligently even to unintelligent treatment.” Lao Tzu

I have tried to be philosophical and to respond intelligently. I have tried to be compassionate but mostly I have been sulking, slamming doors and eating way, way too much. Combine all that with not being able to run (stupid bad back) for a few weeks and you might understand why my bathroom scales just threw themselves out of the window when I walked towards them.

Splitters.

I am a bit of a chubby chubster right now. I wish I were not but I am. I feel I should say that. Today, I can run for a whole fifteen minutes (small sarcastic cheer)and I have some time to cook and hopefully less people will say things that make me run to a cupcake for a cuddle.

This is what I learned yesterday while sitting at a table and hearing another attack being launched at me. I believe a lot of crap that is hurled at me. I put myself at  the whim of every one else’s perception of me as long as that perception is bad. People say wonderful things to me all the time on here and at work but those do not come creeping in to stare down at me when I lie in bed at night.

I submit to all the wrong people. I open myself to the wrong views. I am not saying I should only listen to the good stuff but that I should keep a level head with both. I should not give so much credence to the bad stuff.If only I could work out why I do that. I can’t work out why some people want to be unkind. Why do some people hurt me? Why do some people disrespect me?

“When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you.” Lao Tzu

No, still no idea.

I spoke to Dev the other night about writing over here. I feel differently about writing here than on our place, blogs have personalities, who knew? I said I feel a bit tense because I want to write more here  and I felt that I would be letting him down. He laughed, very sweetly, but still he laughed.

There simply is no problem, this man who would have me speak like a 1950′s child and insists on a bedtime that infuriates me, has absolutely no expectation of me that would stifle me and I forgot that. I had twisted what he really is and how he sees me into something bad because I had submitted to all  the negativity. he wants me to write what I want, where I want and how I want. As long as I try to reduce my run on sentences, obviously.

When I submit to the wrong idea, person or view it feels bad.

I do submit, that is in my nature. I want to please people, I want to be good and I want to be approved of. Sometimes this makes my life hard because I am not selective enough.

I am writing this in case you sometimes do the same thing. Or in case a girl you know does the same thing.

I have found this tender part of myself, this childlike aspect. I like it. I like it very much indeed. It is about being open and gentle with myself. It is vulnerability. It is about not being so hard all the time. I think what I must do is make sure this vulnerable part of myself is pointed in the right direction. I do not know how to maintain my softness and survive in a hard world.

“The softest things in the world overcome the hardest things in the world.” Lao Tzu

I can read these wise words and I know they make sense but I don’t have a clue how to start.

I don’t know the answers. I don’t know how to keep my childlike aspect safe. I don’t know how not to be hard and cynical. But I know I can run for fifteen minutes today and I have some broccoli. So I think it will turn out all right because apparently …

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.” Lao Tzu- this one, I can do!

More unenlightened (but happy) confusion soon. (And some rude stuff- I have some rude stuff I need to tell you but it is TOP SECRET so don’t let anyone see you come here.)

Would you like another?