You know just how it is. You spend twenty minutes building up the courage to admit something to him. You stutter it out and then have to repeat yourself because you were so unclear the first time.
Then you wait. You have butterflies in your tummy and a little tiny shake all over and you make yourself still as a still thing and wait for him to draw breath and cast sentence.
He will no doubt give you a withering glare (imagine Captain von Trapp) and then launch into a telling off (think Captain Picard crossed with Snape) until he finishes off with an evil punishment that makes your eyes cross with his imagination and sadism.
Except that does not happen.
He thanks you for telling him and for being honest. You wait. He asks how you are. You say ok. He asks about your day. You move on but feel a little perturbed. You keep waiting for the hand to drop. It doesn’t.
You pootle off and do the rest of your day.
This is what I have learned.
The world has not read the script in my head. It always surprises and annoys me when people (not just Dexter) deviate from the words I set aside for them. I feel cheated and put upon, as though they do it to spite. I know this is illogical. But it is only writing it here for you that I see it as clearly as it is. When people do not behave as one expects it can be confusing to the point of feeling hurtful.
I am starting to think that people saying their own words instead of mine might be a good thing. Today I had this very experience and I was thrown by it. I spent half an hour having a little strop in my head. And then I laughed.
I relaxed.
I have a great fear of being wrong in my desires, that I shall say something and someone will say, “Sorry… what was that? You want … get away from me, freaky pervert woman.” So very often I plan very carefully what I say and sometimes I do not say what I mean at all. I say the thing designed to get the other person to say or act in the way that I require. It all gets a bit complicated. I get tired and tie myself in knots because I can’t trust anything.
Today I said what I had done and how I felt about it. I did not get the response I expected. But I am still going to get spanked for something at some point. I will still get told off one day soon. I will still sulk because he will not let me get my way at some inconvenient moment. All of these will come from his mind and not mine. They are not on my script. They are real. I have had no part in their creation.
I am set free. I cannot dictate what will happen. I am not in charge.
I am starting to demand a bit more of myself, more honesty and a new type of submission. I can’t describe the submission yet, it is still too new. I look forward to exploring it and I trust it will be accepted.
I do not know what will happen next but I think it will be good.
This makes me so happy that I wish I could kiss the whole universe.
Poppy, good morning.
and warm 
I hope that you are fully recovered, and no longer need the services of a
I think that we all do this to a degree, yes even tops, especially when we are young, which you still are.
I can remember certain incidences in my early army days, when I said to myself, ‘but you’re not supposed to say that’, I soon learned not to try to control life, the knocks you get trying to do that can be painful.
And if you intend to kiss the Universe, can I be somewhere near the front of the queue.
Paul.
That’s beautiful…just absolutely beautiful.
Very well written, Poppy. You are finding you way.
UGH! I hate repeating myself after I have built up the courage to say it in the first place!
You’re very articulate in your writing, tho! Beautiful post.
sarah
This made me smile, it is so confusing when people don’t follow the script.
‘I am starting to think that people saying their own words instead of mine might be a good thing,’ um possibly.
I am still on my phone which is proving hard to use for comments.
Alice, I know what you mean- it is still a challenge when we have to deal with people not saying what we think they ought to.
Sarah, totally agree. You stumble through a terrible experience and then have to start all over again.
Paul, right at the start of the line and I am feeling better thank you. A bit tired now, that is all.
Olivia, such a kind thing to say, made me feel really good to read that.
Mindy, it’s a long road ahead of me but I have the best companions
Xx
I have a script in mind for so many people in my life, and they rarely follow it! I am thinking of writing it all out and handing it to them, and then when they don’t follow it correctly I can be very cross and say, “no, no, no, how much plainer can I be? Look again at page six!”
But I think you may be right, and maybe it works best when they say what they think up. Best for them, anyway.
Do you mean to say that I will not get Her trained to say and do the things I think she should?
I suppose sulking and crossing my arms won’t help, either?
(what I mean to say is that I know exactly what you mean)
It makes me smile when I realize that it doesn’t only happen to me.
Although I do like scarlet’s idea.
Lunargirl
Scarlet, you and I sound so similar. It makes me feel better that you are like me- I think you are fabulous, it gives me hope for me.
Lunargirl, people stubbornly refuse to do as we think. i have no idea why they do it. I like the crossing arms and sulking. It is an excellent fall back position.