I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
WB Yeats
I am going to write this even though it scares me witless to do so, and I am going to write it with no consideration at all for the feelings of others. I won’t be rude, but I need to say what is in my head, even if it makes some people uncomfortable.
I know it makes some people squeak with horror. I do know that. Let’s start by stating the bleeding obvious. It is no more about a real father or relative than any spanking activity is about real schoolgirls or whatever else your thing is. It is an abstract distortion of a clichéd relationship in a way that works for the adults involved.
Just like the spanking dynamic, the Daddy dynamic is sexual, cerebral, and rewarding for those involved, and bewildering for those who are not.
The D word started in my head and it started as “the D word.” Many childhood fantasies involved a strong, male authority figure. Before I realised they were sexual fantasies, he was always explicitly paternal, and when I realised they were sexual I lost the explicit to my paternal, but he remained just as before, only without the word.
And as I moved along this path I started to explore my feelings more, and to my horror the word would flutter out of my mouth when I made myself come. When I heard it I would stop and curl up in shame in the dark. I loathed myself for it. My eyes would open wide and I would try everything I could to hide from that word. It haunted me for years. I fought it harder than I have fought any part of me.
Using the D word was the hardest thing I ever did in TTWD. I have only used it with one man (and will only ever use it with that man) and it took about two years to get to that point. I still crumple with shame when other people reference it. But I really want not to feel that way. It is no sin to use that word.
All the objections other people had to it came screaming around in my head. I could not and would not explore its cause. I was so afraid there was something hideous there.
But slowly I changed. Several things happened, most of them people.
I suffered. Some really awful things happened to me. We all have suffered, and I know that. My suffering brought me to a dark place for a while. In a living death, I staggered through my days and found nothing at night other than the ability to hide from the next day that was stalking me. It wasn’t that I did not think I would get through it, it was that I could not imagine that there was anything else.
I did not die. I came out of it, and as I did I wanted to live my life. That was all.
Then I read a blog by a girl who called her husband Daddy. I emailed her a few times. She was kind, accepting, intelligent, and happy with who she was. She had a normal relationship with her dad (as I do with mine) and was able to differentiate with ease the different elements of her life. It was no biggie with her to use the D word.
I spoke to a friend of mine. We spoke on the phone. He was the first man I ever spoke to about the D word. He did not judge me. He thought what I was seeking was a good thing. He understood how deep within me it was. He found it normal; he found it a little erotic. He encouraged me to move forward. I miss this friend very much. I doubt he will read this but his friendship, as long as he offered it, was a wonderful, enriching experience.
And I met a man who was so understanding, so gentle, so wise that nothing I ever said shocked him. I fell for him and he caught me. I could not imagine his ever rejecting me, but still it took time.
Finally I used it. I asked in a whisper. I am not kidding when I say that the process took months, and then slowly I used the word. It was freedom, joy, love and celebration all at once. Never has one word made me feel so soothed, adored and alive. I used it once, a shaking step a tiny whisper in his ear, and then again with a smile. I used it a thousand times, a million times. I used it as a prayer, a plea, a desire, a cry, and so much more.
I feel so defensive of this word and of this experience. The “Daddy” dynamic is one that is often questioned in our circles and whilst I understand and respect that, I would like to suggest that questioning it merely as an intellectual sport can make it harder for people who are struggling. Einstein said that we should kick the truth around like a football, and he was right. We should consider all ideas and dynamics, and we should ask questions and seek our own answers.
These blogs are a place of refuge for people on their own walks, some of whom will be in the dark and alone.
We are who we are.
I met a man. I fell in love. I called him Daddy. It helped. I grew.
Very interesting, the timing, I think. The “D” word has been in my head a lot lately, not so much that I am ready to use it, but I am more interested in how it is becoming more a part of pop culture- “who’s your daddy” and so on. what does that mean, exactly? what do the men who say it want it to mean? I haven’t read that much on it, scared still, of course, but as it knocks around my head, I noticed the earliest time chronologically was in a Doors song, “love her madly” and I am sure it was around before that. No idea where I am going with this, other than, you aren’t alone and it certainly bears thinking about… thank you again for another timely piece…
This is a great piece Poppy, though I would not like to dismiss or in any way diminish the struggle you experienced with the word, I think it’s sad that there are forces in the world that make us question these things in ourselves. The drive for a paternal type of guidance is ingrained in most people I think, though they might not express it in a kinky way. Spanky folk tend to express it that way because we are wired that way. We see the world through that lens.
We like to forget, I think, that we are at the core of things, little more than advanced apes who like to live in groups overseen by dominant males. We used to call those groups tribes, but they don’t exist any more in the Western world, and it’s left a lot of people without any kind of guidance. We feel yearning for a certain type of authority which just doesn’t exist in our current social construct.
I’m getting a little off topic here, well, a lot off topic, but there’s certainly nothing wrong with the ‘D’ word. Look at the Catholic church, for instance. There are ‘Fathers’ all over that and nobody thinks that’s weird.
Tricki, thank you.
I know this word brings very strong feelings in people and most, that are expressed, are negative.
It, to my great annoyance, is a word offered up for discussion (“what do we think of this word? Would you ever use it”) so that people can say all the reasons why it is not for them.
I know lots of people hate it and I totally accept that. But it is the acceptable football conversation in spanking circles. It is something to kick around whilst bored in a way that other elements of this life style are not.
I really appreciate your response, Tricki. I really do. Thank you.
Loki, in the words of David Cassidy, I think I love you.
I love how you see everything and think you should have a very large soap box to stand on and share the way you think with the world. Then we would all feel better about stuff and probrably be happier and kinder too.
“Courage is not the absence of fear, but the conquest of it!”
Once again I thank you so much, Poppy, for “speaking” for those of us who are afraid to go out on a limb to seek the best fruit of knowledge. It is a deep relief to feel accepted, understood and connected to another person who is willing to bring out into the light of day secrets, which we share in common. “Knowledge becomes wisdom only after it has been put to practical use.” Those who would judge us, should not do so before standing in our shoes. It is neither immoral or deviant to love TTWD or to seek, for lack of a better word “reparenting”.
Those of us who struggle with the “D” word, in truth, unconsciously, yearn for the loving parental figure that was not physically present during our formative years or whose parent(s) may have been emotionally distant. Some of us came from dysfunctional families that were chaotic, unstructured and possibly abusive either overtly or covertly. We grew up desiring a loving, boundaried parent, who was strict but not abusive, who was attentive to our needs, cares and wants to make us a better person. We often wished to experience what it might have been like to have loving parents who set boundaries in a firm, fair and consistent way. TTWD allows us to experience something that our childhood didn’t provide when we find a model prototype partner who is loving, devoted and caring enough to discipline us for our own good and to love us and accept us unconditionally.
We didn’t choose this path, but somehow we were hardwired for it. I say instead of allowing the naysayers to scare us into hiding, we concentrate on the positive aspects of TTWD. Psychologically speaking, it can provide a safe arena to workout unfulfilled needs from our childhoods. Imagination and role play can often help exorcise deep-seated, often buried feelings and unresolved issues from our past, as well as provide a nurturing and care that our own childhoods lacked. Added to this we have the means to reliably get ourselves in the “mood” faster and easier than most which all would agree is a normal, acceptable, pleasurable and healthy activity.
Variety is the spice of life, is it not? We are not all one flavor, one size fits all, thank goodness. We should not judge, what we don’t understand or have knowledge of. Good job!
Lila
Lila,
You know when the comment is better written than the post?
Blushes.
It is a positive part of us, isn’t it? It is part of our stories, but a really happy part.
Thank you.
Poppy, good morning.
and warm 
Yes, Loki is wise.
She has saved me having to write all the anthropological stuff that passed through my mind as I read your piece. :kiss blow:
One of the main things that I love about you is your stunning intellectual honesty, this piece cannot have been easy to write.
Yet here it stands clear and straightforward,.
I suppose one of the most important adages I know, is, that nothing human disgusts me.
Certainly there are practises that squeak me, and certain human behaviours that I find very disturbing, such as man’s inhumanity to man, not to mention such behaviour carried over to the ‘animal kingdom’.
I like the idea of kicking truth around like a football, we each have our own special truths, none of them are sacred and none disgusting.
Paul
You always make me feel good, Paul. I have no idea what I did to deserve such lovely words but I carry them with me.
“Nothing human disgusts me” – l like that. I am human, no more, no less, just like us all.
xx
A brave post Poppy; many of our disciplinary fantasies revolve around the parental ideal, and yet we are seem very slow to acknowledge this.
I am entirely heterosexual, yet I can see the attraction in a father spanking his son; no, attraction is the wrong word. There is a rightness in the image that is missing (for me) in M/M spanking usually. I was never spanked by my father, or any other male role model, and I have never hit my son, but still the idea is deeply ingrained in my consciousness.
My wife occasionally spanks me, and I admit to a little thrill at the idea that this is a maternal punishment; not to the extent that I would call her Mommy, but the concept enhances the experience.
I do not think that there is anything wrong in this use of language, if it makes things more real for the participants; if a thing does no harm than how can it be wrong?
Thank you for letting down the walls of your psyche, and letting us peep. It is this kind of honesty that assists others in coming to terms with their own kinks and needs.
Bravo.
Tim
I am glad you have found your own path too.
Thank you for peeping and giving us a glimpse back.
I love the idea of being able to help others to come to terms with who they are. I am slowly coming to terms with who I am, maybe it takes a life time.
Bravo indeed, Poppy. We all, without exception, have within ourselves thoughts and desires that society deems inappropriate, and is quick to condemn. Because of that, most people suppress those thoughts and desires and never let them see the light of day. Even in the world of TTWD some thoughts and desires are more acceptable than others, and it takes a brave person to break the taboos. But when we do break them, as you did, dear Poppy, the sense of relief and liberation is tremendous.
I’m so pleased you met someone with whom you could be completely open and honest. I have had two women in my life who were similarly non-judgmental, and it was wonderful to be able to talk to them about my deepest thoughts and desires, and, in one case, put them into action. I’m not sure that Shakespeare was thinking of TTWD when he wrote ‘to thine own self be true’, but he certainly appreciated the liberating effect of acknowledging our inner selves.
Thank you again, Poppy, for your courage and honesty. When one person is brave it helps us all to be brave, too.
I never think of others having thoughts that society would disapprove of- which now you mention it seems a perfectly sensible theory.
I do have that sense of relief and liberation and I have a learned a lot from this feeling.
I get the feeling from you that you are often brave. Those women are enriched by you also, I think.
Poppy, you take my breath away, over and over again. It was you and what you wrote that first let me open the door just a little bit to who I am inside, and then slowly, let me peek through the door, then push it open a bit wider, and a bit wider, and finally, walk through it.
Your honesty and the beauty of your words stun me. Thank you for being the breeze that blows through the open door, that keeps my mind and heart open to things I do not know.
I am so sorry that you suffered, ever. I like what Ernest Hemingway said: “The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places.”
You are a wonderful friend, Scarlet.
I always know I can depend on you.
You know you help me too. You know I am peeking through the door myself at the moment and daring myself to walk through.
That is a beautiful quotation.
Very thought provoking, Poppy, I’m one of those people who are uncomfortable with the D word, though I know a parental figure has often been a part of my fantasies. ‘Daddy is a step too far, so it wouldn’t be helpful for me to use it. That doesn’t mean it is the same for others. If it opens up something important and helpful for people then there is no reason why not. You have certainly started an interesting discussion. I’ve enjoyed reading other peoples comments on the subject.
It is just about finding your own path, isn’t it?
I know very, very well that different people have different needs and different words to go with them and I totally understand that the Daddy thing is not for you.
I appreciate the conversation too. I just hope everyone can find what it is that helps them to be happy.
Poppy,
It is true. Your honesty takes my breath, and it has opened a door for me to explore that part of my darkness that involves corporal punishment. In fact your”Lillith” post still makes me want to cry and shout for joy. I love the smiles and laughter that your posts generally bring, but it’s the posts like this one that make me pull the covers over my head for a while to cover my red face while I think then grab my own pen and sort out my thoughts by writing. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being brave enough to write honestly. You give me courage with every honest post you pen.
All the words I want to say about this post have been stolen by Scarlet.
Also, Scarlet, I love what you write. Your added courage resonates with me when I come to visit Poppy’s site. You feel like a friend.
Finally, Paul I love your quote. Thank you for such lovely words.
Ephemera
This made me a bit quiet.
I don’t think there can be anything better that a girl can read about her own words.
Thank you.
I am overwhelmed in the best way. I was so, so nervous about this and now I wish I had written this years ago.
I am going to reply to people individually because everyone has written such wonderful responses.
I loved this. You are very brave for sure!
I have been working (for some time now) on a post about the same word and some of how I struggle/struggled with it. I will definitely put a link to this post in my post. I love the way you have written this.
Lunargirl
Lunargirl, I was terrified. I almost pulled this at midnight last night.
I look forward to reading your post, take heart from the wonderful comments you have read here.
I have nothing new to add to the above comments. (It;s too early in the morning here for me to write clearly.) I love what you and Scarlet wrote. Beautiful and deep as always.
Accept who you are, be happy with yourself and do as you please (as long as it doesn’t damage you or harm anyone else).
“I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.”
Bill Cosby
Good morning, Mindy.
“Accept who you are, be happy with yourself and do as you please (as long as it doesn’t damage you or harm anyone else)”
That is about all there is to life- we could all just take that advice and it would do us.
Have a wonderful day.
x
Poppy, you know you have written something very important when you get the number of long and thoughtful replies that you did. Wonderful things have been shared in this forum and continue to be shared. Thank you for giving all of us a little voice here.
And thank you, Ephemera, for your kind words. Poppy inspires me to be honest, and then she makes me feel safe.
Poppy, you do seem to bring out to surface what a lot of us think or do but don’t have an outlet to share. Thanks for sharing your thoughts it makes one think.
I read this this morning but am just getting to respond. I have mixed feelings about the daddy word. I don’t normally use it, occationally Charley will say, who’s your daddy? but I don’t call him that.
I had a normal relationship with my father which included punishments, normally just a scolding or threat with his belt. Normally just the threat or having him remove it would have me moving real quick. (I have to add that he never actually used it although I am sure he wanted to, back talk was my specialty). The thought to call someone else daddy never occured to me, I never felt the need. I have enough trouble calling him Sir. Your post did get me thinking.
Fantasy is a whole different thing. In our fantasies we can say and do whatever we want and total control over what others say and do. I have to admit I have had daddy fantasies but with no desire to use the word in real life. I am not sure if it makes sense but it works for me. Daddy or other authority figure works. I think it is easier for most to substitue an uncle or teacher to help deal with any strange feelings they may have about using “daddy”.
Ok, now I will go and read everyone else’s thoughts. I didn’t want to read them first. I do want to say that everyone should do what makes the happy. What is right for one is not always right for another.
Our minds so easily get caught up in the labels, don’t they? There are so many associations we tie up with certain words, good or bad. I have always had a hard time with the word “submissive.” 2 years ago, I could hardly bring myself to say the word “spanking” aloud. Thank you for writing this, Poppy. As long as you are happy with however you approach TTWD, that is what matters.
Your blog breaths strength. Best wishes.
A well written blog; found it purely by accident on devlin o’neills blog whom I found by accident too this morning Turkey day 11/24/011!!
I too am seeking something or someone; Im really not sure! Im a closeted/novice submissive these past 9 years – Ive chatted with strong men [dominant] online but Ive not been with such a person offline! I didnt take offense at your term “daddy” but have often wondered why women in the D/s lifestyle refer to their dominant/master in this way!!
Kaki, that was a perfect response. I think that many of us have that mixed approach to these things. We struggle with what it might mean- we can see ourselves through other eyes and it is hard.
Lea, I find myself agreeing with you. Submissive does not suit me either, but I am working on it. (A bit)
Mr J, beautiful and all the wishes I need are here.
Christina, welcome, I am glad you decloaked.
I think lots of people have different reasons for using the “Daddy” term. I can only speak for me. Take care with your search.
Poppy: you mentioned the 4 letters “TTWD” – what does this mean?
Christina, forgive me for butting in but it stands for “This Thing We Do”.
Thank you, Mindy.
I was in bed!
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Congrats on the Chrossing, Poppy!
This is a very interesting and beautifully written post, Poppy! I am one of those who don’t long for a (kinky) daddy, but I don’t think there is anything wrong with the D word if it makes you (and the partner you use the word with) happy.
In my opinion daddies (or mommies) are very common on our community. Actually, I even questioned whether I really fit into our community because I neither seek any form of D/s relationship nor any kind of daddy dynamic.
I have also questioned different aspects of the daddy-girl dynamic (and kink in general) which had scared me. For example I had come across women who seemed to use their “daddy” in order not to have to grow up and face the challenges of an adult life and who startled me with very immature behaviour. At the same time, though, I had the impression that many people in our community saw the daddy dynamic as something really positive (sometimes even as a holy grail). That confused me and so I decided to ask questions on my blog, because I wanted to know whether my observations were just single ones, how a daddy dynamic really works and which positive things it provides for the people involved.
From the discussion that followed I drew the conclusion that there are many very different kinds of dynamics under the label “daddy-girl”. You, Poppy, are definitely a very self-reliant and strong woman. I don’t think that you use your kink to hide, you use it to grow and to be happy. I might not be able to fully understand why, but the D word obviously makes you happy and puts a smile on your face. So, I think you should use it as often as you get the chance to do so, without worrying what others might think. Some people (like me) will never fully understand what the D word is all about. But all that matters is that it makes YOU happy!
Hi Poppy,
I enjoyed reading your post. I mentioned it in a response on my blog. Hope you don’t mind!
Love,
Kitty
http://kitty-sweetsurrender.blogspot.com/2011/11/why-i-call-my-husband-daddy.html
I am very grateful for the nod in my direction.
x