(Note- I am now feeling guilty about writing this – I am not complaining about Top input in my life, not at all.)
This is one of those posts that I hope other girls read and say, “That must be awful, I have never felt like that.”
I don’t think it will be one of those posts though.
There is a cliché about Catholics always feeling guilty, I don’t think it’s Catholics, I think it’s women, and for some of us the guilt we feel dominates our lives.
I am going to explain what I feel guilty about today, just a normal day (except I am not at work and have none of the normal work guilt.)
I feel guilty that I am not as pretty or as thin as I should be. I feel guilty that I did not go for a run yet today even though I have run a lot recently and walked 20 km yesterday and for 2 hours this morning.
I feel guilty because my room is a mess.
I feel guilty because I am almost 40 and still want to be spanked and told off – I should have grown out of this by now.
I feel guilty that I have not tweeted enough or been interesting.
I feel guilty I have not had enough time to write or comment on other people’s blogs.
I feel guilty that I have had enough sun and am finally sitting inside to write.
I feel guilty that a criticism that was made on another blog could have been about me.
I feel guilty that I have not replied to all my emails.
I feel guilty that my final childless friend is pregnant and I have no one depending on me but my dogs.
I feel guilty that I have to choose only one life and I don’t know how to.
I feel guilty that thinking all of this makes me want to smoke so much that I am shaking a little.
I feel guilty that I react wrongly to what people say sometimes.
I feel guilty for not always being happy and flirty.
I feel guilty for not knowing what I want yet in life and living a half life wherever I am.
I could write more. I think perhaps lots of women could.
Do you know what he does? The Toppy person that we all hunt out?
He (or she, depending on who you are) can point to three or four things, maybe one or two and say, “That is what you should feel bad about. I am going to spank you for those things, then you will say sorry and do it right.”
And the Toppy person does, they spank you until you feel it’s ok because it’s paid for now. They spank you so that you don’t feel bad about everything else. They spank you so you can move on from all the other screeching you hear from yourself.
I want not to be the most threatening person in my life. I want not to be the bad guy. I want someone else to be more frightening than I am.
Are you a mind-reader, Poppy?
Really?
You?
I thought maybe you were not drowning in guilt.
I have my moments and I deal with them as best as I can since there is no Toppy person around.
Sheesh Poppy, you’re sounding almost as neurotic as me, and that’s not good! Could it be the moon. No, it’s not full. Sigh, well maybe it’s hormones or maybe it’s just being a woman as you suggest, or maybe it’s just how some of us are made. I think sometimes my general anxiety about life comes out as guilt. It’s perhaps a way I was taught to express those feelings of unrest, of not being good enough, of so many self doubts. If we were less intelligent, self reflective and more self absorbed, perhaps we would be oblivious and much happier all the time? I have a very small very dumb dog who is always happy, and our very intelligent dog frets and is intuitive and sensitive and is not always happy. She worries. There’s a lesson in there somewhere.
I hope we both feel better and that you will enjoy your holiday! Sara
Sara, I remember Pam Houston saying much the same thing about her dogs. They can teach us a lot.
I hope you feel better and just writing this made me feel better (and also being bossed about a bit by a certain someone.)
There has to be a better way if living, doesn’t there? I dislike all this unrest.
This is beautiful… and vulnerable… and I love it.
Poppy, good evening.
and warm 
I’m more than twice your age, and much too tired to offer much in the way of wisdom.
However, I will say this, guilt is a very destructive and wasteful emotion, it’s one positive action is to spur you on to change, if you don’t change and wallow in your guilt, well you end up mired in the slough of despond, which is not a nice place to be.
By the way, the you here is a metaphysical you, not Poppy.
We all make mistakes, we all regret them, hopefully we learn from them and move on.
If there is a top in our lives s/he will help us to move on.
Nothing that you have written makes you less the person we both love and admire.
Paul.
Hello Poppy, I am always in awe of your insight. You can see into and understand things in a way that most people can not.
I have a secret to tell you about Guilt. It has nothing to do with your room being a mess. It has nothing to do with answering e-mails, being criticized or the problems felt by others vs your good fortune.
Guilt is an added extra that we sprinkle on our ego. Its like eating one more bite when we are full. It will do us not one bit of good. It has no value other than adding to our suffering.
So don’t add it to your thoughts of your messy room or concerns about your pregnant friend all those concerns exist and are doing fine with out adding guilt to the pile.
You have a busy life enriched with many supportive friends. When guilt rears its ugly head think of those less fortunate than you with thoughts of compassion and kindness Desire for them to be happy and free from suffering and reflect upon how lucky you really are to be blessed wih the comprehension to understand your feelings and a way to share them with such a supportive group of people.
My room is a mess too !!
Cheers Cruel
I can relate to most of those and add more. We are all rather hard on ourselves. It does make it easier if you have someone that makes you accomplish something on your list.
Sierra, welcome and what a lovely thing to say- thank you.
Paul, everything you say is true and wise. I think we try not to feel guilty and honestly, I don’t feel guilty when I am in the paw of a Top. (even the spoken paw!)
Cruel, I want to be that evolved and maybe one day I will get there, but possibly not today. Beautifully expressed, as ever.
Kaki, we are and it does. (and I really am helped!)
Feel great because you are surrounded by friends on the net.
Feel great because your room is a mess and is easily sorted.
Feel great because you are haven’t grown out of wanting to be spanked and told off – my lady loves it and she has 20 years on you.
Feel great because enough people want to read your tweet!
Feel great because people welcome your input on their blogs..
Feel great because you are smart enough to know when you have had enough sun.
Feel great because, having not replied to all your emails.A/ could be a valid reason to be told of and spanked! B/ Give time for second reflections (smart.)
Feel great because you still have the option to chose your life.
Feel great because you react wrongly to what people say sometimes. and only sometimes is a plus!
Feel great because you have many joys to come.
I love you. I really, really do.
You have just described the human condition, or a certain kind of girls’ condition. When i start to feel this same way (and I do, too often), it’s often a sign to myself that I have either a) undertaken too much–much more than a mere human being could do, or b) I am anticipating thoughts and feelings from the people in my life that they are much too generous and warm-hearted to harbor about me. I, on the other hand, can think any number of dreadful things about myself.
It helps to have someone who has strong arms and broad shoulders to go and rest your head on, after being sorted out, of course.
Have a beautiful day. Now that you’ve written all these things down you can forget about them. (I like Sara’s analogy about the intelligent vs. the less intelligent dog by the way. But we must not let our intelligence work against us. We must outsmart it!)
Oh, Poppy. Why do we do this to ourselves?
Here’s something I tell myself (and others) regularly. Screw Guilt. It’s a (mostly) useless emotion, because most feel it when they don’t need to, and those who really need to, don’t.
When you kill someone, then you can feel guilty. When you willfully and deliberately hurt someone, then you can feel guilty. When you betray a confidence or trust, then you can feel guilty. Otherwise, screw it.
Vincent, you provided a wonderful mantra. After a slightly difficult start (my own making) I had a great day. I saw so many beautiful things and a bear! So you are right, it is perception- I shall work on seeing the possibilities in my life.
Scarlet, I knew you would be with me on this and writing it did really help, moving on and up. We are the clever puppies- that is how I see it to (and I am a very lucky girl when I need to rest my head)
Erica, I can just hear you say that- you should make tapes for girls like me. It is a wasteful emotion, isn’t it? It feels so ingrained in what we are (some of us) that we find it hard to shake it but I promise to say “screw guilt” to myself ten times a day.
Xxx
“This is one of those posts that I hope other girls read and say, That must be awful, I have never felt like that.
I don’t think it will be one of those posts though.”
No, it’s not. *big hug*
Hmm…me too.
But we’re not alone and we have these amazing men who make it all so much beter. We should be happy about that. And maybe realizing that guilt is a useless emotion can make it less hard too.
Hug xx
Aspiration to live according to the dictates of conscience, yes.
Guilt, no.
Two different things. Guilt, like violence, means unfortunately that rational, good-natured thought is over… (Self-)forgiveness and purposeful motivation alone produce lasting change.
Hugs.
Dear Poppy,
it is not, I think, a women thing but more probably a ‘sub’ thing. I recognise the guilt that you talk so eloquently as I carry my own with me like the chains of Marley’s Ghost and I am,when I last checked at least, a male!
Is spanking a way of dealing with that guilt? It certainly could be as after all it is just a game of ‘pretend’ and perhaps at some level I think I can fool part of myself, through playing this game, into thinking that now I have been punished I can now also forgive myself?
All the best to you on your adventures,
Tim
On the plus side you do have a record-breaking smiley facility. Love the drool! I was looking through trying to find one that would make you feel better, but all the ones that made me laugh might be open to misinterpretation
oops, couldn’t resist it. I challenge you to create a specific anti-guilt smiley and look at it often. Might have generic application, and make your fortune! x
Lea, I really did suspect as much.
Olivia, I am tremendously happy about what you said- it makes it all better.
Lorraine, you are brilliant. You really are. I wish you would sit on my shoulder sometimes and whisper these things in my ear.
Tim, that is an interesting point of view. I have not thought about it being a universal sub setting. It does not feel like pretend when one has a very thorough Top. I don’t have to pretend to make the journey to repentance, I can hold out for as long as I need to. (And now I have to write about that.)
Wordsmith, you made me laugh anyway. I did not know I had a smiley with that name and I am entertained. If I create such a smilie (as an anti-guilt one) I will be sure to patent it.
Oh, I so wish that I could help you not to feel guilty because of the things you listed here in your entry.
-Maria