Before I start, two things. Firstly this may not stay up. It is intensely private, although I have left all the worst things out and I am not sure how long I want it in the world. Secondly, it is not about Dev. He does not do silence with me.
The sound of my childhood is the sound of a ticking clock, a shaken newspaper and my father’s sigh.
“What’s wrong?” I would ask.
He would not reply. I would hear him sigh.
The sound of my childhood is silence. I would see my mother cry sometimes and there would only be silence as an explanation. Upon my return from a particularly emotive stay in hospital they had finally put a carpet in my room and taken down my father’s army memorobila from my bedroom walls but I did not ask why. No one mentioned it nor did they mention where I had been.
After I had been attacked my mother came to collect me. She drove for half an hour in silence and as she parked outside the house she turned to me and called me a whore. That was the last she, or anyone else had to say on the subject.
My husband was a silent man. We would lie in bed and listen to the silence. He would look at me in silence. He would look at me with huge dark eyes and smile. I thought he might be loving me. After it all happened with him, the ending which was sudden and violent, I read his diaries to try to understand.
They started before we met and went right through our marriage. I will not tell you all that was in there except to say to imagine as bad as it could be, imagine the worst thing you could ever, ever read about yourself and then know that your husband wrote it, sitting next to you in bed, smiling at you. It was not just that he found me repugnant to look at, it was what he wanted to do to me, how much he wanted to hurt me, how often I had come close to a terrible fate. He was a very ill man and I had no idea because he hid it in silence.
Silence, for me is the language of hatred, except it is worse. It is deserved hatred. I can fill a silence I must endure with spit out accusations and be guilty of every one of them. Silence makes me shake. I am shaking as I write this. It makes me curl up and hide, literally. Silence is what people use when their disdain of you is such that they cannot bear to touch you with their voice.
I wish I could do something for you. I am sending lots and lots of hugs. I recognize parts of my own childhood in this post and I understand the pain it must cause. I know there’s nothing I can do, but I hope no one is ever silent like that with you again. You don’t deserve that pain, because you’re an amazing, kind person.
I admire you for writing this. It is extraordinarily brave and strong.
xxx
That must have been hard to write. Sending hugs.
Silence can mean so many things, from nothing at all (the person is busy, or doesn’t think you’d be expecting communication), through “I need to think and respnd properly and thoughtfully”, right through to aggression (I don’t like what you just said and won’t bother responding, I want to avoid the issue, or I’m actively ignoring you). I often find myself fearing the worst – often irrationally!
Poppy, you do NOT deserve hatred.
Everyone of us has made wrong decisions in our lives but that doesn’t mean that we deserve to be treated badly. Silence is unhealthy and cowardly. It’s passive aggressive behaviour that causes distress and weakens relationships. It is destructive.
If you have done all you can to reach out or to make amends but the person remains silent, please don’t blame yourself. Yes, it hurts and it hurts terribly when you care about the relationship. But do remember that a true friend who treasures you and the relationship will not treat you that way. No one is perfect and all of us need forgiveness. A person who only responds with hatred and silence is not deserving of your friendship. Please consider walking away if the person continues to be silent. You do NOT deserve hatred.
I wish I can give you a real big hug right now and tell you how much you are loved.
Olivia, thank you very much. Your kind comment made me cry, but it is ok, it was a good cry. I am sorry you understand too. xx
Abel, thank you and you are right. Silence can be lots of things. It can be healing, comforting, respectful, calming, necessary and it can be mean. It need not always be bad. Maybe, like you say, lots of us fear the worse when we experience it. Maybe we can learn something from it. You are wise. xx
Mindy, you are right about hatred and silence and I love how you write. I see you as a small archangel (it is a line from a poem about friendship between women) and I feel strong with you besides me.
Is all silence hatred? Is it? I don’t know. I think it is because of who I am. And, if it is then we should run away, but what if it isn’t?
You see? You have made me think. I should have written this after all the comments.
That was kind, Mindy. Thank you xx
I’m with Abel on “Silence can mean many things”. They’re not all bad.
But targetted silence is another matter, and I know how much it can hurt.
Hugs,
HH
HH, thank you so much for stopping by. You really surprised me in a good way.
I should add that about the types, you are both right.
I was, as you suggested, talking about targetted silence and hurt it does.
I agree very much with Abel about the different kinds of silences, and have experienced some as very healing. Your distrust of silence is completely understandable.
What is amazing is that after all that, you and Dev have been able to build such a strong and loving relationship across the ocean. It says a lot about both of you.
Poppy, be very gentle with yourself today.
What to say? How brave to write this, and how horrible to have gone through such episodes. Hope that doing so helped you to give a proper place to whatever made you write it. Hope that a really warm, compassionate silence knows to find you.
Take care.
Have my long distance hugs.
Poppy, you have amazing courage in how you face the world. You have experienced so much hurt, and you don’t deserve that. No one does, but especially not you. You have so much kindness and gentleness inside you that I can only imagine how painful some parts of your life have been. Painful isn’t a strong enough word. I think horrifying might begin to describe it.
It is one of life’s amazing twists, that in spite of your past, you have such a whimsical and playful spirit. It is one of the things that I love about you, and for that spirit to have survived such rough handling is nothing short of a miracle. I think you are an angel, too, as you called Mindy, the kind of angel who lifts all of us up and lets us be the kind of people we aspire to be.
This maelstrom that you find yourself in is awakening all your demons, but with our help and the grace of the universe, I hope you can ease them gently back down to a resting place within you. The past cannot be erased, but it can be healed. There is a quote I love that goes: “Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage.” You have acted many times with beauty and courage.
I wish that all your dragons become princesses. You are a princess too.
Mindy is so right, that I am reprinting her comment here. I can’t say it any better, and I feel it so strongly within me that you must not let this person one step further into your heart and soul. I hope you read this often.
“If you have done all you can to reach out or to make amends but the person remains silent, please don’t blame yourself. Yes, it hurts and it hurts terribly when you care about the relationship. But do remember that a true friend who treasures you and the relationship will not treat you that way. No one is perfect and all of us need forgiveness. A person who only responds with hatred and silence is not deserving of your friendship. Please consider walking away if the person continues to be silent. You do NOT deserve hatred.”
Poppy, I have silence in my life that I endure. There is also silence that I look forward to. The latter helps with the former.
It takes a long time and a lot of practice to learn that what others say or do does not make those things real. It is not who you are nor should it change how you see yourself. It is the destructive force of a truly cruel enemy, ego.
The best times I spend in silence are when I am lucky enough to be in a room full of people sharing that silence. When we sit it is with the singular intent that all beings be free of suffering. Around that world at any given time there are groups or just singular people wishing for happiness for everyone else before there own. Free from judgement of race religion or situation thoughts of loving kindness. It is with that same intent I think of you now.
I have suffered greatly in this life. Aside from the obvious pain it has caused me it has opened new doors and given me something that I can share. I offer to you my compassion and understanding.
Alice, I am being gentle and I know you understand. I have slept all curled up with the dogs and I am going for for dinner. I am going to a pub I ate at with Dev one snowy winter evening. It makes me smile very much to do that and remember his delight at the names of the real ales they served.
Mr J, your hugs took, the kind of compassionate silence did find me, I swear, I can feel it in my core.
Scarlet, that person has gone from my heart, unlike you who are very strong in it. That quotation is beautiful. I am going to write again tomorrow and create princesses from dragons. You make me look forward to tomorrow. I wish I could really, really hug you. And then we would, of course, talk about the weather.
Cruel, you see why I write. Without writing and describing something so painful I would never have read something so beautiful. I am sorry that you have suffered but I am heartened by how you have created compassion from suffering. Thank you.
Poppy, my heart is with you. but please know that the kind of silence you’ve experienced (there are other kinds, lovely kinds, as others here have noted) comes from cowardly people who cannot face their own demons. it has NOTHING to do with you, or how thoroughly wonderful you are (truly. i read your blog. you delight many. we all see your deliciousness!) the fact that you have survived to be the poppy we delight in is a testament to your courage. hooray you!
Silence can be golden, or it can be cruel. I’m so, so sorry you went through all you did, and I’m so sorry that this new silence has brought it back to you. It’s fortunate though, that you are now so surrounded with people who care about you so that you never need suffer that way again.
You’re a wonderful person Poppy, and a wonderful friend. I’ll never forget how kind your email to me was after the quake. How much it meant to me to know that someone out there, someone I never met cared enough to reassure me in that time. If you feel only a portion of that good will in this, then I am happy.
You definitely have a bright present and future, so I hope you believe in yourself. Believe that when you feel anxiety, you do so for a reason. Your postings of late have been very harsh on yourself, too much so I’d wager. Follow your bliss, not what makes you feel scared. If you’re worried, please honor that concern, don’t belittle it and call it hysteria and passive aggression.
You’re awesome Poppy, truly and I hope this comment finds you feeling better.
Poppy, I am so sorry for the pain, past & present. Most especially when we are young, always when we are vulnerable, we think bad feelings, evil intent, hurtful things that happen to us must be right, meant to be, deserved. It’s such a mind blowing concept to take in the reality that bad things do happen to good people. They should not, but they do, totally undeserved. “Deserved hatred” ….really, is there such a thing as hatred deserved? Who doesn’t deserve some degree of compassion? I think hatred stands somewhere next to evil, and while both exist, they have nothing to do with you and belong nowhere in your realm of existence. They should be somewhere far away. If they come near, they are in the wrong place, with the wrong person, and need to go back to where they came from. They are not about you.
I hope you can find some peace in knowing what you deserve is the love, support & acceptance you have now found.
Poppy, good afternoon.
and warm 
I hesitate to say that I understand your feelings, but I believe that I do, somewhat.
My childhood could hardly have been worse and survivable.
Yet to be in a family and not of it, what you say about your family shocks me to my core, perhaps I was lucky not to have one.
I can only reiterate what others have said about silence, it can be deeply healing or deeply wounding, I’m sorry that you had to suffer so much of the latter.
You have come through these trials well tempered like fine steel.
You are kind. gentle, courageous, playful and much tougher then you believe.
You continue to astonish me, is it any wonder that your friends cherish and love you.
Paul.
You deserve nothing ugly. The silent treatment, the cold shoulder, is cruel and abusive. It is all about the person who doles it out and nothing about the person who is hurt by it. Your mother was lying when she called you a hurtful name. Your husband must have been a very disturbed man, but he was lying, too. The truth of YOU is found in the beautiful way you express yourself. Thank you for being so brave in sharing this with us. You deserve nothing ugly.
Mehotabel, thank you so much for reading and thank you for being so kind to me. Thank you for talking about my courage. I will take that comment to heart.
Loki, thank you. I am thrilled to find you here. I have been so harsh on myself recently. I am changing and the transformation hurts but i think it will be worth it and I think peace is around the corner.
Sara, that was beautiful. You are right and I am slowly learning to listen to your way instead of my way. It is a huge mental shift but it is coming.
Paul, your childhood was far more harsh than mine, so you may say anything you want. I love how you see me. I will work on seeing myself through your eyes.
Susan, thank you so much for being here. I had held out until then and now I am crying but it is a happy crying. I am so lucky, I really am. I feel so much better and I know this is the start.
I will tell you more on Monday.
xx
Poppy, You are a beautiful lady, and will always remain so in my heart. As you can see, you have many friends in the ‘spanking community’, that are 100% percent with you all the way. Here is a loving hug, from me to you.
Thank you. That helps.
Xx
Poppy, I don’t know what more I could add that hasn’t been said already. I think that when we are open and trusting we open ourselves to getting hurt deeply. That tempts us to wear a protective armour so we don’t get hurt again but that can leave us from letting new friendships in. I am happy to see that you don’t do that, at least not here. You have so many friends that love you and care for you. Family and spouses are supposed to be there to support and love us not be the reason for our hurts. You didn’t do anything to deserve being treated that way, nobody does. Forced silence can be a terribly stressful experience. I am sitting here with you virtually having a cup of tea, scones with chocolate (the do come in chocolate I hope) and pleasant happy conversation and of course, big hugs. You are an amazing woman to live through people being mean to you and yet still be so kind and caring.
gee, no tea cup picture, a mug of beer will have to do. 
Poppy, I’m sorry and I’m still so very angry at this man and people like him who take advantage of innocent souls. You are very brave to share your story, I can’t even describe how much. So many could not face the world but you are strong and you have a world of people who love you. I wish I could also send you flowers. I would prefer to hand them to you in person so I could include a hug, a cup of tea and perhaps some pudding
Girl, things get very confusing around here when pudding is mentioned, best to stick to the flowers, cup of tea, and a very brief hug
I cannot express how sad I felt , when I read what you wrote in regard to Silence.. There are many faces of silence, some are good.. but like you I have experienced the same treatment and it is cruel and it torments to such a degree that to some, it destroys them.. I think the very same about words.. Verbal abuse is by far more troubling as it is imprinted in the chambers of ones mind.. I am sorry sweet Poppy~ That you endured the behavior, you did not deserve.. However~ I see a beautiful, compassionate thoughtful woman , who brings great joy and life to so many.. Although I may never have the pleasure of meeting you in person, I am already so touched by simply reading your amazing articles .. and yes, can see you thru words~ Blessing Dear Poppy~ Happy Halloween~
Grace, what a kind and beautiful comment. I am sorry that someone was unkind to you. You sound so wonderful that it is a travesty that someone could be unkind to you.
I hope you were able to rid yourself of the one who was unkind just as I did.
Blessings to you too.
Dearest Poppy~ I am in the process of doing exactly as you have done~ It is a bit complicating as I have a young child~ However I am not afraid as I have endured many things.. But no matter what I walk thru, it is to only make myself a better person, one filled with compassion and deep love towards others.. Smile~ If there is anything I have learned.. it is this.. It is my hearts desire to perhaps help another, whom may be walking thru a difficult situation and show them that they can in fact get thru the trying times.. and be better for it~.. It is a easy thing to love others when things are not stormy.. However it is another thing when walking thru the fire.. and not smelling like smoke.. Smile~ I believe , you as well understand this..
Grace, I just want you to know I am thinking of you and I hope your journey is going well.
Come back and tell us about it sometime.