This is a sneaky, quiet post. I just need to talk, I am not creating a piece of writing, just talking to you quietly because I very much need to talk.
I realised recently that I process things by talking to you about them. So grab yourself a glass of wine, curl up next to me on the sofa and listen please.
I am looking for a mentor. There, I said it. I always swore that was not for me but as time has gone on, Dev and I both realise that a mentor would be wonderful part of my life. I love Dev, I am not looking for a boyfriend or a lover. I don’t want someone that will kiss me or do all of those things that Dev does. I want someone calm, strict, wise and thoughtful who will help me be a better person. I know some people do not like the idea of that sort of mentor- well, I do. So boo shucks to those people.
I say that I am looking, well, I rather hope that I am not looking for one. I had hoped that I had found one. I will not tell you anything about him other than he is a human male – henceforth he shall be HM.
I am going to tell you the story of me, the word “Rien” and how much one girl can screw things up with the simple use of an iphone in the dead of night.
HM and I have been emailing for a couple of weeks and we have met once. The meeting was wonderful, better than I could have imagined. I don’t want to tell you about it until I check with him if I may but I will tell you that it left me crying because I realised how much I had missed the feelings of security and freedom that come with being dealt with by a man like HM.
We were due to meet next on Friday where I was to be punished for some things I have done. Again, I don’t want to tell you about it because I want to wait and check. Well, we would have met on Friday if I were not “special.”
I am Poppy and I can tie myself in knots. I can do that better than Houdini can undo them. I put myself into a straitjacket and lower myself into the water. I gave myself a sign of impending doom by writing just one word in my diary yesterday. That word was “Rien.”
Do we have any French history buffs? Can you tell me the significance of that word? It was the word Louis XVI wrote in his diary on the 14th of July 1789. It means “Nothing” and that was the day the Bastille was stormed, the start of that terrible time. I wrote my diary meaning I could say nothing about what I felt because it was too much and I knew the alternative meaning. I was beckoning destruction to my door.
You see, I was afraid. I was on a back foot. I wanted to have more power in this situation. I wanted to be comforted and told everything would be all right. So how does a girl do that?
Does she say, “Hey, HM. I am scared. Will it be ok? This is what worries me…”?
She could do that but that is not manipulative, controlling and does not create enough room for insecurity and unhappiness. Far better to do what I did which was to send a, slightly high handed, calm and helpful email explaining why we should delay Friday by a week and ask for increased emails meanwhile.
Then, it is important to build on that first bit of deceit. So when I got a kind and positive email back from HM I replied with a series of increasingly hysterical and passive/aggressive emails.I sent these between 1 am and 3:30 am.
Shall I be clear about why I was so upset? Because he agreed to postpone. He listened to me and treated me like a human being.
I polished these emails off this morning at about six am by questioning if he wanted to work with me at all. Not bad for a night’s work- huh? I went from having a meeting arranged that I need and am desperate for to being rude and unkind to someone who has been only helpful and supportive.
I have not heard back from him today. I am not surprised. There is having a busy life and there is also not jumping up and playing my ridiculous games when I take into my head to play them. He could be doing either or both.
That is why I say I might be looking for a mentor. I feel sick at my own stupidity.
You are far, far too hard on yourself. I will say more later.
Larry
Poppy, we all stuff up sometimes, especially when we feel out of control, afraid or insecure. Please don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s all part of learning and growing. It is hard, I know.
I believe that when a door closes, a window opens. I hope that things work out right for you.
Poppy, good evening.
and warm 
I agree with Barrister, how many times have I said, ‘go a bit easier on yourself, allow yourself a bit of slake.’
I have far too much respect for you to lie to you, this is probably the result of panic and not enough sleep.
Now calm down and review what you have said about HM, does he sound like a man who acts without thinking,
I suspect he is allowing you a little cooling off time, after all this is hardly a kiss and run relationship, for a true submissive this is a very important decision, you are entitled to be nervous.
I’m hoping that everything works out for you.
Try and get a good nights sleep, things should look better in the morning.
Paul.
Oh, sweetie. I have no words of wisdom. Just know your post brought tears to my eyes. We do what we do.
I send you all the one-armed British hugs you can stand.
Dearest Poppy, I’ve always found that whenever I am sure I know exactly what someone else is thinking, I am completely wrong. I agree with Paul. Put your head down and go to sleep tonight, and stop being terrible to yourself.
This is why girls like us have bedtimes.
Hugs.
I am so glad I wrote this.
I need to be forgiven for being a dufus and hearing from you all has helped.
Larry, thank you for the email and I have replied. I trust your response. I know you are a super wise man.
Mindy, thank you for being so kind and so thoughtful on this. I like the way you see this.
Paul, you are right, I am so tired. I slept for maybe two hours last night. I think you are right about being given a little cooling off time. I think maybe I am like you said, although I have never seen myself as a submissive. But I think I may be just as you say.
Erica, the hugs are welcome. We do do what we do, don’t we. We try to the best we can. Thank you so much.
Scarlet, you wrote while I was writing. You are right about not knowing, I am just the same.
I am waiting for Dev to come home and send me to bed. I am going upstairs now to brush my teeth and I will be taking my milk with me.
xxxx
Poppy, here’s a song that just played on the radio here. I hope it helps. It’s called ‘Before the Morning’.
Oops, the link didn’t post properly. Second take: Before the Morning.
Poppy, something else occurred to me. The thing that makes us human is our complexity. None of us are entirely one way, or entirely another way. Just when you think you have captured someone with a description, you realize you have left something out. Something important.
You are the same. You are a vibrant and complex woman. I think HM must know this about you already. If he is the right one to be your mentor, then he will understand this part of you, and see what you need. If he does not, then please give thanks tonight that you found it out now, because he would be entirely wrong for you.
Can I be Dev now? Drink your milk and go to bed. Here, I’ll turn out the light. Sleep tight.
Dev got home just in time, Scarlet, but thanks anyhow. Poppy is now asleep. Better be anyhow.
Poppy, Hope you woke up feeling much better.
There is a profound difference between a moment in which feelings express themselves in ways one later regrets, and personality/character. Please do n ot confuse the two.
Poppy, I have been HM and received what was likely very close to those same e-mails. If it is right he will be there when you need him to be. This is because he knows what thoughts and doubts can enter a girls mind. And knowing that he will do what he thinks is right for you not himself. As thats the way it should be between a man and a girl.
If it is any other way then your doubt was well founded and the right thing because deep inside you knew that too.
Thoughts of good will and comfort to you and all girls who might need warm thoughts and hugs.
Cruel
Hi Poppy, I agree with everyone, you are too hard on yourself. HM probably didn’t want to push you, yet, since you are still at the getting to know each other stage. It is a big step you are taking and if he is meant to be your mentor it will work out, if he isn’t then the right one is out there. I always live believing everything happens for a reason, not always the one we are looking for at the time but eventually. I am sure when you have the right mentor he won’t let you get away things so easy. Sending you big hugs.
Poppy, have you thought about emailing him back and just tell him what you told us and ask if he could meet you on Friday as originally planned? I am sure he is used to girls testing him. I think we all do it when we are a bit insecure, I know I do on occasion.
Mr J, thank you. I did sleep well. Dev put me to bed like only he can and I slept until 5 am which is pretty good for me and I do feel better.
I like what you say and I agree. Except I have done this before. It is a pretty icky thing I do. I know why I do it. I should probably write about it sometime.
Cruel, I bet you would make a wonderful mentor. I just find it so hard. I really do.
I will think of other girls too. I do not know how people can do this at all without the support of Dev and the people I meet here and the other place.
Kaki, I think you are right. Things do tend to turn out ok, it is just hard at the time. I have emailed. I have told him what I told you (sent him to link to here). I did not offer to go to see him this evening because I know he does not want to. But I am pretty sure he knows that I would go if he asked.
Poppy, like everyone else what stands out is how hard you are on yourself. I’m sure if you read that back, and imagined it was someone else talking, you would be a lot gentler in your response.
I hope you find what you need.
A quick historical note: I believe “rien” refers to the fact that King Louis had had an unproductive day’s hunting! He had yet to notice the great events starting to unfold around him!
I know! That was the whole point, he was looking the wrong way and seeing nothing. That was how I have been.
I am most glad to meet you, Peter.