We must start, I am afraid, with a history lesson. Please get comfortable and do ask questions by raising your hand and offering me chocolate.
We all know the story of the Trojan horse, I think. But I am not sure. and I think how the war started is such a good story that it could bear retelling here, by a girl just like me. So here we go.
Once upon a time there was a city called Troy. The king of Troy, having built a super city, asked the sea god Poseidon for help in protecting it and making its walls impenetrable. Once a deal was struck and Poseidon had done his god thing, the king reneged on the deal and said that he would not compensate Poseidon. I do not think the king was very well read because doing that sort of thing to a god never works out for one.
Many years later, the Queen at the time had a son and it was foretold that he would bring about the destruction of Troy, so she did what all mothers do in that situation, which was to abandon her son in a field. He was called Paris (I like to think Ms Hilton has this Paris as her idol to emulate) and he grew up to be a shepherd and work for the Queen, quite unaware that she was his mother. (This feels too much like an episode of Dr. Phil to be comfortable.)
The Queen threw a party and invited the gods and goddesses, as one does, and also Paris, the shepherd. I always say, “What is a party without my local shepherd?”
Zeus asked Paris to judge which of the three goddesses Hera, Athena and Aphrodite was the most beautiful.
The girls argued amongst themselves, and each tried to bribe Paris into picking her. He picked Aphrodite because she offered the love of Helen of Sparta (already married and you know what Dr. Phil would say about that) and reputedly the most beautiful woman in the world.
Paris was told who he really was (I hope he was offered counselling) and took up his heritage, and then swept off to abduct Helen, despite its irking her husband Menelaos rather a lot, and you know how those Spartans can get.
Helen was taken to Troy, and there she remained with Paris, but Menelaos followed with lots of soliders and they laid siege to Troy.
After ten years of siege the city still stood, and so the Spartans made a large wooden horse and put thirty soldiers inside it. The rest of the army then made a big fuss of packing up and sailing away. The prematurely happy Trojans pulled the horse into the city and started to get drunk and celebratory. That night the soldiers crept out of the horse and opened the gates for Menelaos’ army who had returned. They stormed in, ending the city and providing fodder for the torture of schoolchildren everywhere, who had to study Latin in the form of Virgil’s poem The Aeneid. I was one of them. (The schoolchildren, not the soldiers, you understand.)
I have neither the countenance nor the fortitude of a soldier. I should not like to sit in a horse, and I have tremendous sympathy for the Trojans, who did nothing wrong and then got a condom named after them. Paris needed some time with Dr. Phil. I think the early maternal rejection may have led to some unwise romantic attachments.
Why am I telling you this?
I tell you partly because a good story bears a lot of retelling, but mostly because I want to share with you something I recently came to understand about how to be a woman like me and still do a high powered, managerial job.
I know that many women will understand what I am about to write. I work with men who have very large testicles indeed. There is a lot of deep voiced camaraderie, a lot of tough talk, and I am all alone as a girl in a management position. It is me and them. I like them, I respect them, but there are some ways in which I know they are wrong.
I have a situation at work that is difficult because of my alone-ness. I could walk into the situation head on, and I will fail. I will come up against a brick wall of stubborn. They would think I was challenging them and it would become a conflict. I could walk away from the whole thing. I could say, “Screw you,” and avoid this extra hassle. But I don’t want to. I know that I am right, I know that I need to make this change for the company, I know that my fight is worth it. But I am not strong in the way that they are. I am not comfortable with confrontation, and I get weepy when people are mean to me. I do not want to stop being a girl. I do not want to give up or give in.
So a friend gave me a piece of advice (or an advice of peace) which is that I should be a Trojan mouse.
I can make changes, but I think my path is the path of the Trojan mouse. I do not creep in, but I am welcomed in, and I am kind and helpful. I do not threaten, I do not shout. I have no sword. I will work very hard and do more than is expected of me. And bit by bit, quietly and softly, I will make the changes around me that need to be made. If people want to think my mouse is weak then that is lovely; it makes my task so much easier.
I am a submissive woman who is learning how to bring down cities in her own sweet way.
Very well understood. Also patience – I find that often my ideas take time to percolate, to become theirs to own, not to take credit for or anything like that but for them (him) to buy in – s0 I advise and let go and let the circumstances force the issues instead of me. Amazing how well this has worked although not as quickly as I hoped. I am sure you are much appreciated and your efforts to improve the company. Sally Forth
Annie,
I am home now and hope you were amused by my early morning email. (I thought that she had signed the email with her name! Duh.)
I think I am appreciated but it is a blooming long hard road. I work with a lot of good people and that helps.
Not many people embrace change. Most are just happy to follow their old routines. This makes it so hard to implement changes. I like your approach in managing the resistance to change. It requires much patience and hard work but I’m sure you’ll win your colleagues over. You go girl!
I am not sure I like change myself but I am working through that. You are right managing change is the hardest part of my job, it is worthwhile but such a struggle and a fascinating insight into human nature.
Thank you.
I opened my email this morning to find yet another difficult situation from someone who excels in giving me difficult situations to deal with. I found this post today very inspirational–thanks, Poppy. I am quite comfortable being the Trojan mouse today, and picking my battles, and putting down my sword.
Some people are all about adding extra difficulty to life. I try to be all mature about it and see it as a way of learning about life but sometimes I do not want to.
I like the thought of being a Trojan mouse with you and both of us putting down our swords.
You start your end and I will start at mine and we will meet in the middle with some cheese.
Those ‘topless towers of Ilium’ don’t stand a chance.
Will you make me immortal with a kiss then?
If you like, but you’re already immortal.
“I have tremendous sympathy for the Trojans, who did nothing wrong and then got a condom named after them.”
Poppy, you crack me up.
Good luck, Poppy, it is hard fitting in in the all men’s club. You have a good plan in mind. They won’t know what hit them.
I am very glad I made you smile.
I am not sure about fitting in in the all men’s club, I do not know what will happen-will it be a whole new club?
Poppy, good afternoon.
and warm 
I’m late today
You are both wise and clever, I believe that this approach will work.
I must admit, when we did this at school, I questioned the intelligence of the Trojans.
As for Helen, well we all know what she was, the original model for The Dumb Blonde. and Paris was a good match for her.
I didn’t know about the condom, but a Trojan is a particularly nasty piece of software.
Have a good evening.
Paul.
Hi Paul,
I hope you are well and that you were only late because you were doing something wonderful.
The Trojans had done so well and a ten year siege was over, I think that is why they were a little giddy.
I hope you have a wonderful day as well.
Poppy, Your advisor is wise and you also for seeing the truth in this advice.
I work in a field where I advise others on protocols and manage my own dept. I am the only person in this job at this site. I am also the only dept. head that does not have a degree(worked up from the bottom). I use like methods except I let the smarter people fail a few times before I give them the help they refused the first time. I was recently transfered and I am in the process of training my new boss so its a new group of smarter people baffle and befuddle.
Just remember to feed them small pieces of your plan at a time as they may choke on the whole thing
Prejudice is blinding to those in its grasp take advantage of that lack of vision
Cruel
Hi, Cruel,
I am very lucky to be surrounded by wise advisers. I think it is part of feeling like I am growing up all over again. You sound like you are doing fantastically well.
I will do my very best to do my mouse thing.
Dear Poppy, I wish you were awake so i could talk to you about the Trojan mouse, Plan B. I thought I wrote a thoughtful and reasoned response to my difficult emailer, but I got back quite an emotional reply with lots of difficult things in it like blame and defensiveness and my plan was to put down my sword, not fall on it. So I am sipping on a glass of wine and thinking of all the things I do not know and do not understand, and I wonder how old I have to be before I figure these things out.
Sigh. Today I am something more prey-like even than a mouse. A Trojan bunny rabbit? That works.
Scarlet, one thing I have learned about difficult people is this: some times you have to try your best (once or twice) and then simply accept that they are always going to be difficult, make your limits clear to them, and allow them to decide if they can play by the rules or if they should move on. It’s hard getting to that point, especially where work is concerned because we always want to smooth over the rough edges and make people happy, but sometimes our own sanity is more important.
Scarlet, what I have learned is that some people have all this spare emotion and they give it to people who they are near.
I have a situation at the moment where I am making a change through my organisation (not a big change but it affects everyone’s day and what they do) and some people keep on screaming at me (not literally). I have learned that often these people do not want to have a change made as a result of their screaming, which I find bizarre. They just need to go through the process of being angry.
They use email to be more aggressive and emotional than they would in real life. I go to see them and offer solutions calmly and reasonably and they find that very hard because I am not matching emotion and I am being reasonable.
I have realised that sometimes these people do not want solutions, they want to be heard. So I listen. Afterwards I offer a simple solution, they often are surprised at that because it was not what they wanted, they just wanted to express themselves.
If possible, I would ring your client and just listen. I would not interrupt but rather I would let her talk it all through. It will take ages and it will be hard but I would just make sure that she knows I understand what she thinks is the issue. I would not argue with her. Afterwards I would go for a run and let her tension leave me and go somewhere else.
xxx
You are a wise owl, Poppy. Your company and colleagues are very fortunate to have you. Please don’t ever forget that.
You are both very wise, Em and Poppy! I think the idea that some people have all this spare emotion and give it to people who are near is very true, and that thought will make me smile when they are sharing. Although I will not smile so they can see it, or else I think I might get even more spare emotion!
Everything will work out for the best. It always does. Today is a new day.
And I am calling my client now so I can listen quite attentively and make everything better. Thank you for such good advice.
“Water is fluid, soft, and yielding. But water will wear away rock, which is rigid and cannot yield. As a rule, whatever is fluid, soft, and yielding will overcome whatever is rigid and hard. This is another paradox: what is soft is strong.”
Lao-tse.
Do you know what is very, very odd?
I have a plan to write a post on Taoism very soon but this was not supposed to be it. Isn’t that bizarre?