Before we start please may I say that I am really cheerful. I feel much happier because I am through the rough patch (I think!) and I certain I am about to have a happier week. So if I sound fed up then I have not written this well enough. This is that point when you have climbed a big hill and you are eating a well earned sandwich at the top and reviewing your progress. I have much further to go but am really quite up beat about where I am. I wrote this to see if any one else feels the same way. I really did not mean to sound self piteous. I was going for bemused with a touch of bewildered but under the umbrella of loved and lucky to be surrounded by super people.
A very wise friend of mine once tried to teach me about accepting uncertainty. I do not like uncertainty. I like to know what I will be doing and when. I like to have lists and to know train times. I cannot just find a hotel when I get there. Uncertainty is all very well in its place.
“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them – that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” Lao Tzu
But I have to live an uncertain life and I don’t want to. I will not tell you the tale of my life (that is private) it is just there are things that I would wish different and I have no idea if they will change or how they will change. I do not know whether to work on acceptance or to strive for a goal. I find this most irritating. I do wish my life would come and consult me- writing that makes something rather glaring occur to me but that is for another day.
“If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.” Lao Tzu
For the last few weeks certain events that have bashed me. I would like to be clear that there has been no illness, death or fires. There are no life changing disasters. Flowers and condolences need not be sent. It has just been a series of unpleasant events, like a parochial and tedious version of a Lemony Snicket book. But they did keep on coming. Each time I clambered out of one hole I stood up to dust myself off and heard someone say, “Hey, Poppy!” I would turn and find myself on the end of a shove and would fly with a dearth of delicate movement to the bottom of another hole, think less Black Swan and more hurtling duck.
“Respond intelligently even to unintelligent treatment.” Lao Tzu
I have tried to be philosophical and to respond intelligently. I have tried to be compassionate but mostly I have been sulking, slamming doors and eating way, way too much. Combine all that with not being able to run (stupid bad back) for a few weeks and you might understand why my bathroom scales just threw themselves out of the window when I walked towards them.
Splitters.
I am a bit of a chubby chubster right now. I wish I were not but I am. I feel I should say that. Today, I can run for a whole fifteen minutes (small sarcastic cheer)and I have some time to cook and hopefully less people will say things that make me run to a cupcake for a cuddle.
This is what I learned yesterday while sitting at a table and hearing another attack being launched at me. I believe a lot of crap that is hurled at me. I put myself at the whim of every one else’s perception of me as long as that perception is bad. People say wonderful things to me all the time on here and at work but those do not come creeping in to stare down at me when I lie in bed at night.
I submit to all the wrong people. I open myself to the wrong views. I am not saying I should only listen to the good stuff but that I should keep a level head with both. I should not give so much credence to the bad stuff.If only I could work out why I do that. I can’t work out why some people want to be unkind. Why do some people hurt me? Why do some people disrespect me?
“When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you.” Lao Tzu
No, still no idea.
I spoke to Dev the other night about writing over here. I feel differently about writing here than on our place, blogs have personalities, who knew? I said I feel a bit tense because I want to write more here and I felt that I would be letting him down. He laughed, very sweetly, but still he laughed.
There simply is no problem, this man who would have me speak like a 1950′s child and insists on a bedtime that infuriates me, has absolutely no expectation of me that would stifle me and I forgot that. I had twisted what he really is and how he sees me into something bad because I had submitted to all the negativity. he wants me to write what I want, where I want and how I want. As long as I try to reduce my run on sentences, obviously.
When I submit to the wrong idea, person or view it feels bad.
I do submit, that is in my nature. I want to please people, I want to be good and I want to be approved of. Sometimes this makes my life hard because I am not selective enough.
I am writing this in case you sometimes do the same thing. Or in case a girl you know does the same thing.
I have found this tender part of myself, this childlike aspect. I like it. I like it very much indeed. It is about being open and gentle with myself. It is vulnerability. It is about not being so hard all the time. I think what I must do is make sure this vulnerable part of myself is pointed in the right direction. I do not know how to maintain my softness and survive in a hard world.
“The softest things in the world overcome the hardest things in the world.” Lao Tzu
I can read these wise words and I know they make sense but I don’t have a clue how to start.
I don’t know the answers. I don’t know how to keep my childlike aspect safe. I don’t know how not to be hard and cynical. But I know I can run for fifteen minutes today and I have some broccoli. So I think it will turn out all right because apparently …
“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.” Lao Tzu- this one, I can do!
More unenlightened (but happy) confusion soon. (And some rude stuff- I have some rude stuff I need to tell you but it is TOP SECRET so don’t let anyone see you come here.)
Poppy, I can certainly identify myself in what you’ve described. Thank you for sharing this.
Be kind to yourself, Poppy. I have to remind myself to do that too as I crave approval and seek to please others, just as you do. Someone once told me that I’m number one and I need to put number one first. It’s hard but I’m learning. As you said, Dev wants the best for you too, just like you want the best for him. But to be the best for him, you need to look after yourself.
I like to be in control too but life is teaching me that I can’t always be in complete control. I had to learn this lesson the hard way after a back injury a few years ago. I’m learning to accept the things that I cannot change and to change the things I can. Does this sound familiar? It’s the Serenity Prayer. It helps.
Poppy, you are kind and genuine. Please don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise. You are loving and deserving of love. You know we all love you. :love Please remember that.
Sending you big hugs and kisses, and wishing you a wonderful weekend.
Mindy, you are lovely and we do all need to be kind to ourselves. :love
I am having a lovely weekend. I just did my run and made up for it being short by doing it super fast. It felt great and I have just learned that if I have no time for a run that a fifteen minute blast feels really, really good. And the fact that I was so mad about only being to do 15 minutes made it much easier to be speedy.
I wonder if I am allowed to do two 15 minute runs. That is still obeying orders.
I hope your weekend is wonderful too.
Poppy, good morning. :rose :rainbow :star
ressie :loud
og 
og
Lao Tzu, there are as many myths about him as there are names :!:
My favourite one is that he was born a 62 year old mature adult full of wisdom.
Unfortunately the majority of humanity have great difficulty acquiring wisdom.
What you are suffering from is the human condition.
The nasty things people say and do, will linger, they disturb me greatly as well.
When this happens I meditate on something beautiful that also boosts my self worth.
You are a valued and much loved individual, the people who attack you are not your equals in any way what so ever, which is probably why they attack.
Remember, the Universe knows your worth, very few others matter. :um
Have a great week-end :4leaf :4leaf
Love and warm hugs, :love
Paul.
Ahem, I think you need to check with your health professional how many 15-minute runs you are allowed to do per day. You don’t want to over do it (speaking from experience, both personally and professionally).
A fast run is a good first step, writing about any problem helps, and always hold your girlfriend’s hand when she needs reassurance. -Devlin O’Neill
Poppy, you are not the only one who feels like this sometimes, so please don’t fret. As Paul says, I think it is a very human condition.
I would say that I wish I could explain to you why some people say mean and horrid things, but I don’t. I think not understanding it means that I am not the sort of person who would do that and I am happy not to be that sort of person. Sometimes it does stop me in my tracks, though, the things some people will say and do to another
I’m glad you’re at the to of your hill and can take a rest from all the nonsense. Here are some treats, you deserve them: :rose
og 
ressie :tea :rainbow
(Apparently my phone has some moral objection to writing t-o-p, I wonder what that says about its owner)
Poppy, my darling friend, I read this and knew just what you meant, every word of it. Paul said it is suffering from the human condition; I liked that. I think I will print this one out and keep it by my bedside for a while to help carry me through some uncertain things of my own. You and Lao have great wisdom, together and separately.
“Without your wounds, where would your power be? The very angels themselves cannot persuade the wretched and blundering children on earth as can one human being broken on the wheels of living. In love’s service, only the wounded can serve.”
–Thornton Wilder
(Thornton was a pretty wise man, too).
Sending you love and peace. And Dev, I loved your quote. :love
Thanks very much, Scarlet.
Scarlet, you find the most wonderful quotes. That is really quite stunning. I love that. I will pin that up too- we have a mutual quote admiration society.
Em, I love the idea that because we don’t do it, we don’t understand it. That is such a wise and comforting thought. If you want to share my sandwich you just let me know. I like your phone.
Mindy, if I asked then he would tell me and we all know where that would end up! Honestly, how is a girl expected to get her own way if she asks!
Paul, you are so wonderful. It is, just as you say, part of the human condition. I do get to live my schoolgirl personna out in real life as I feel I have oodles left to learn. You say the universe knows my worth- that is an interesting thought. That the universe could “know” and that it could notice on of the natives. I will ponder on it. Big kisses and hugs to you.
Poppy, that is very moving, I think we are particularly bad in this country at hearing the nice things which are said to us, which does leave plenty of room for all the rubbish to get through.
I’m glad you are feeling better, hope the rest of the weekend is good.
Poppy, this was very moving, I can relate to your feelings ( including your back injury). I am glad you are starting to feel better and able to get out to run. If you don’t mind me saying but don’t overdue it, you will want to get out in the nice weather. When someone would hurt my feelings a friend of mine used to tell me, don’t let others take away your joy, so I am tell you that. Always remember you have friends that love and care for you and may be feeling the same.
I don’t take compliments well, they embarrass me, maybe because growing up they were nonexistant. Criticism were aplenty.
The human condition. Quite right. Lao Tzu is not advocating submission to negativity. Rather he is revealing the core of mysticism, which is a transcendental view without emotional hang-ups. Basically it is non-resistance,which isn’t the same as just yielding. Mental non-resistance is deliberate inner self-release from concern, a relaxing from getting hung up on anything within; and it takes practice. The temptation to morbidly obsess is the problem (with everyone), and it can only really be fixed through meditation, love and self-love.
My parents started me on mediation when I was a kid, so I was lucky. Meditation is like an art you perform in your mind, a conscious self-relaxing from dark thoughts–neither fighting nor yielding to them. Just being. Positive affirmations can help keep the mind fixed in the light–’Angels fly because they take themselves lightly.” ( G.K. Chesterton)
This may not seem like much, but it can really help, and in some magical way it actually makes life go better. Initially you have to be very firm with your mind, it’s true, but after a while serenity becomes the natural or familiar state, and non-uplifting thoughts don’t seem worth bothering with.
Also, have you tried Tai Chi or Qi gong exercises? They are also Taoist, practical and non-stressful. Very effective.
:love
Meditation, love and self-love will bring more feelings of security, if not certainty.
Lorraine, you have inspired me.
Poppy
This was so moving, and as I was reading it, I saw the past month of my life reflected in every word. How harsh words and petty remarks resulted in self doubts creeping in again , old guilts resurfacing, and on one fine morning, upon waking up, found myself with tears on my face. I went into hiding, emotionally and literally, avoiding people to avoid any further hurt and disappointment.
It took Nick a day of constantly phoning me, talking to me, convincing me again, that in the end, the only person I need to satisfy, is myself. I when I measure myself, I should do it kindly, not using the yard stick of others.
People who love you for who and what you are, that embrace you without judgement or prejudice, in the end, are the ones that when you look around, right next to you, every step of the way. And you have them, I have read through all the comments, Mindy, Paul, Em, Dev, Scarlett, Kaki, Alice and Lorraine – I see them walking right next to you.
And I am there too…even though I do ever so often, (erm…lately is was rather quite often) fall down myself, but then again, I also have friends, including you, that will send me a message, telling me that it is okay, and that I am okay.
Raven, we are glad you are here, too, and count you as one of us. Chin up, friend. Look the world in the eye. You are beautiful, too.
Raven, you are also one of us. We all seem to be sensitive people and get hurt easily. We need to just either ignore mean people or put them in their place.
Raven, you are a friend amongst friends. I would say don’t fret, but I never take that advice so I won’t give it. Instead I’ll say look at that list you made for Poppy. You both have one even longer than that of people walking beside you. Grab as many hands from that line up as you need. All will help if given a chance.
Raven, as Dev said, you are amongst friends. We will stand by you and walk with you. You are wonderful and beautiful. Sending you big hugs and kisses. :love
So many people in this world has become cynical, not wanting to believe in the magic and miracles that life still holds.
I do believe for people like Poppy, Kaki, Scarlett, Mindy, Dev and myself and all the rest that do post here, there are an absolute refusal to NOT see the beauty, but on the other hand, it also results in pain at times. It is wonderful to know that there are hands waiting, whether it is to guide you back, or whether helping to pick up the pieces. Thank you. :love
Poppy…I thought about this post a great deal yesterday. Lao Tzu can be very frustrating – “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” I’m not sure how to accomplish that one either, lol.
For a long time, I thought that tender, childlike part of me had died because of trauma. I was numb for many years, but I found that I’d just locked it safely away, but I seem to have the opposite problem in that I won’t let people get close enough to hurt (or heal for that matter). I sort of envy people who can allow others to touch that part of themselves, but from your post, I can see that there has to be a balance.
I’m sure we’ll figure it out
Hugs and :love to you!
Kate, speaking from my own experience, when we do start to unlock the door, we do lose our balance, and everything gets out of perspective. That’s why it’s so important to have people around who will hang on to you, and hold you up. I’ve faced some pretty painful things from my past, but I feel far more alive now and younger, than I did in my twenties and thirties. It’s important to have the support in place, and it sounds like you are developing that. Sometimes just sharing how you feel in an email, and getting a kindly word back can be surprisingly healing in itself, and there are lots of people around here who are really good at that.
Kate, my very wise words are that it takes yonks.
That is why I could not be a guru, because I use words like “yonks” which means ages. Or rather it does not take yonks, it takes an alignment. If I believed in fate or that the universe had a plan (or a conciousness) I would say that at some point you will be there, in the very spot you need to be but that every day until that point you are gathering the thoughts, friends, experiences and wisdom to help you to see what you need to see and know what you need to know.
But I am no guru.
My impression of you is someone who has an open heart and maybe a little like me, and the others here, that we are a little out of our time. But I think that is wonderful, we floated to this little bit of the world and we met up, we can lie on the water and hold hands and look wide eyed at the rest of it.
I would like to know you better methinks.
xx