Curled up on his lap. I miss being there. I love being there.
****
Hello!
I was lying awake last night waiting for sleep and I realised how much I missed writing here. I love writing at our new blog but something has been calling me back here and I decided that I would write here today and get on with the posts that keep knocking on my mind’s door. It is something to do with a room of one’s own (I have never read it, and I really must) and it is something to do with silence and gathering one’s thoughts. I never thought I would fall so in love with this place, with this way of being. I found something by writing here. I am soothed by it, excited by it, enriched by it. So I hope you will forgive me for this indulgence. I just want to let the words out.
I decided that I would write a post based on whatever picture I had ready to go but I also wanted to write about last night, about something that happened and – would you believe it? The picture and the sentence I had planned are perfect.
I have been a bit difficult this week. Do you know that feeling when you are so insecure and wibbly that no matter what someone says you hear the negative spin on it? I have been like that, chasing my own tail, seeking comfort, and missing every time.
Last night as we talked was more of the same, nothing major but just all a bit difficult and sad. And then suddenly I started to cry. I cried, wept, sobbed and shook, and all the horrid feelings I have been having came gushing out. All of the tensions I had been feeling over twenty little silly things went away, and the things that were really bothering me came out.
This is when it is very hard to be apart. I wanted to be curled up in his lap. I wanted to cry into his tee shirt and feel his arms around me.
I smiled when I wrote that. I was wearing his tee shirt you see. I was wearing it to sleep in and as we spoke – well, I was doing that attractive thing where I gulp as I cry and my words were all tumbling into one another. Speaking is a bit of a euphemism for what was going on.
Sorry – as we spoke he was there. He was there to look at me and to listen to me. He could not touch me but he made me feel better with his words.
When you love someone you are always in his arms.
I feel better today. The thing I am sad about is still there and maybe one day I will write about it. But if I do write about it I will do so once and then wipe my eyes and write about everything else in the world. Even in the midst of the thing that makes me sad I am overwhelmed with how loved I feel and how happy life makes me.
That was very “me, me, me,” wasn’t it? Well, forgive me. I have missed you and wanted to gush all my news at you. From now on it will be all about the other things, the other things that have been tugging at my skirts and asking to be told.
More tomorrow.
I remember that feeling very well Poppy…and there’s nothing wrong with being all ‘me, me, me’ sometimes – it’s a very human condition. I’m glad you’re feeling a bit better today.
Warm hugs to you,
Kate
“When you love someone you are always in their arms.”
That made me smile. “Me, me, me” all you want and need to, dear. We’re here to listen.
Poppy, I’m sorry you had a rough night, but so glad for you that you had Devlin there (well, you know, mostly there) to while you let it out. Sometimes we just need to gush out everything that has built up, never feel bad about needing to or about sharing it with us!
Poppy, sometimes it is all about me, me, me and we need go with it. Isn’t it nice snuggling in his shirt, better when it still has his scent. But if it’s from August, I would wash it
Hope you have a lovely weekend.
I’m very glad you’re better.
Poppy, good morning,
Love that line, “When you love someone you are always in their arms.”
As for “me, me, me,” sometimes it’s necessary, otherwise you’ll explode.
where better then to those who love you.
I prefer it here, it’s not quite so busy.
I second Dev’s sentiment.
Have a good Saturday.
Love and warm hugs,
Paul.
Oh, Poppy. That was beautiful, even though you must have been terribly sad.
I’m glad that Dev looked after you, and I hope you’re all right now.
You give other people courage by being willing to write so honestly about this kind of thing, as well as the fun stuff, so definitely nothing to forgive. Glad you’re feeling better.
A good cry is a good thing
I think I know what you’re talking about. Feeling insecure is horrible!
Hugs,
Maria
There is something so difficult to name and describe about that distance, but I’ve been feeling it acutely this week.
I smiled reading this, Poppy, because I spent a good two hours curled on my Top’s lap, sort of talking-sobbing past all the little irritations to the real issues.
He was driving even farther from me than the usual 250 miles, and the cell phone was being unfriendly. Still, being in his arms, the world was set right. Thank you for being brave enough to write here.
E.
Good morning (afternoon),
I am sorry I am so late to reply here. I had a very, very late night last night and the only way for me to cope with my day was to start by cleaning my whole house so I did not feel yucky and lazy. I do plan on having an easy day.
Kate, thank you. You are right about this being part of the human condition, a wise observation and I appreciate that.
Erica, I am thrilled to make you smile and thank you so much for listening, being listened to by someone that you admire and respect is a wonderful expirience.
Em , we do need to gush sometimes, don’t we? I think I forget that and, as an English bod we fight the gush with all we have. Dev is amazed by that, by how much I can repress and you and he are both right- gushing, releasing is a part of healthy life.
Kaki, his shirt smells of me now, I presume it does because I think it smells of nothing but clean. But it feels like him- does that make sense? I remember the sensation of his tee shirt under my finger tips, the feeling of it comforts me.
Dev, tee hee. it feels funny talking to you here. You know that I feel so much better, don’t you?
Paul, thank you and good morning. This is a quieter place, isn’t it? I never thought of it like that but you are right. I love that observation, I appreciate you seeing that and telling me.
Viola, I really, really am. I think I had projected everywhere and so everything was making me tetchy and tense but now I know what it is I feel wonderful because, although the sad thing is still there it is not all the other things. The sun is out.
Alice, thank you but honest writing does require thoughtful reader- I am very lucky to have you.
Maria, I know you understand this. I think you and I share these feelings sometimes. I hope you feel happy at the moment, if not I will send you some of mine.
Ephemera, I am sorry we have the same boo hooness but I am glad that we are both so loved. We are lucky, are we not?
Hi Poppy, it’s a beautiful day here, and I am hoping that it is there for you, too. That you are going for a run with your dogs, and maybe lighting a candle in the kitchen and baking something yummy and listening for the doorbell because friends are coming over. That’s what I am wishing for you, anyway.
Everything you write it seems I want to save. I think I should print it, or copy it and save it somewhere, because it speaks so directly to my own heart. Then I laugh at myself because of course everything you write is saved here on your blit–there is a whole book here of thoughts and feelings and love and laughter that helps me take the next step, and the step after that.
I’m glad to know you’ve taken that next step, too. Hugs.
It is beautiful here. I walked the dogs (thinking I would have time for a run later and I was very bleary eyed after a late night.) and then I have been super busy. My house is both spick and span. My ironing is all done, my washing is all done. I have done the shopping for next week and I have an industrial quantity of chili simmering on my stove. (I freeze it and it lasts me months. Perfect healthy, comfort food- mmmm.)
Now I am going to have a bath and a face mask that is waiting for me in the fridge.
What you say is so lovely, Scarlet. You make me understand why I love to write here, I think it is that very calm (like Paul noted), inner part of me that is much the same as the parts of you. We are us.
Wow.
You have no idea how wierd that is but tomorrow’s post (I wrote it last night) is all about this.
I am off for a lie down (in the bath, if anyone would like to bring me an elderflower water in about twenty minutes that would be great thanks.)
I do not know elderflower water, but it sounds lovely and soothing. I hope that someone (Jeeves, perhaps?) materializes in short order with the elderflower water and the warm, fluffy towels.
Looking forward to tomorrow’s post! xo
Since Ludwig and I live in a long-distance relationship, I can absolutely relate to what you wrote, Poppy! There’s no better way of releasing one’s sadness than curling up in one’s partner’s arms and let go. And sometimes it is really hard to depend on the phone for communication in a relationship, especially if one partner is feeling bad. But as you wrote, talking on the phone can be comforting as well. It even works for panic attacks as I already found out once! Thank you for sharing your experience and your thoughts. It’s good to hear that you are feeling better!