Wednesday Night
I am writing this tonight like this, with total honesty even though it is a bit of a down post because I have every confidence that by Friday (when this will go up) Himself will have made everything better. although right now, I cannot see how he possibly could. It is scary to write it.
I know we don’t live together and I know those of you who do might read this say that I have it easy as regards this problem I face now. But I feel like talking about it and it feels the opposite to easy. It feels awful and horrid.
My work ebbs and flows, like most jobs. My life is easy and then hard. Right now everything is hard. I love my job and I am enjoying it but it is very hard going at the moment and because I am so busy at work I do not have the time for home and things are getting messy in all kinds of ways.
I find I am so, so tired and I can’t sleep.
On Friday I am hosting a dinner party, I am so tired and useless I think I am going to buy a peppercorn sauce and make steak. Buying a sauce for a dinner party; even typing it horrifies me.
I could cry, but not about the sauce; it is everything piling up and feeling messy and impossible and I am all stuck.
I want to curl up with Himself and I want him to read to me. I want to fall asleep while he watches and feel safe.
But because I have to be so in charge and I am so busy, I cannot let him do any of these things. I am going to speak to him in twenty minutes and he is going to tell me off. I do not have the slightest glimmer of submission. I want to ignore him. I could tell him I have work to do (which is true) and we cannot talk. I don’t want to talk.
I don’t want to have this made any better.
I want it all to better.
I am totally stuck. I am terrified that when I cannot find any submission in me then we will be at odds. I am scared he won’t be able to solve me. I feel like a four-year-old sat sulking on the stairs.
I feel like I am far too grown up and cannot find my way home.
I hate this.
Friday.
I am writing this on Friday afternoon. I am smiling and happy and about to have a nap.
I don’t know why I fight him so hard on these things. I know that I find the dichotomy of work and home very difficult and not living with him makes it worse.
He is so calm and patient that I find that I push him away for longer sometimes waiting for the time when he will say, “Enough” which he did today and last night. The moment he said it I felt my eyes drop. I know all this is tied to something about me, something about how I grew up and learned about love and myself.
But I do not think I am going to try to analyse it. I think I am going to watch it change, very gently, and not worry about it too much. Being loved is scary and it does not do to think about it too much.
I know if I were with him he would have spanked me horribly right when it started. But even without touching me he can make me feel his authority. I feel so much calmer when I feel that.
I think I am just the kind of girl who needs that kind of thing. It is who I am.
I am happy and loved.
Tonight my friends will come over and I will serve them delicious food and if they do not like the sauce I bought I will show them the kitchen. But I am starting with champagne and then jugs of Pimms. I think it will all work out.
I wish, wish, wish I could make you feel how happy he makes me.
I hope you are happy too.
I love your entries! They are so very sensual, artistic, exciting… Both visually and word-fully delicious
XXX
Maria
Poppy, what a rollercoaster of a week. I'm glad everything's all right now and Himself has helped you settle.
Did the dinner party go well? I'm sure everyone loved the sauce!
It must be so difficult being in a long-distance relationship. On the one hand, I DO envy you as a lucky girl who is in a relationship with a very famous and handsome man. But I would not like the apartness.
Hugs,
Hermione
Poppy, you write so beautifully and so honestly that sometimes it takes my breath away. I think you and I are much alike. I live with my husband, but there are times when I feel apart from him, when life pushes me to be too busy and too directed and too in charge for me to be happy, and he is busy and traveling and working and we cannot connect.
And I decide that this is over, this submission to him, this needing him, this loving him so much that I allow him to tell me what to do –ME!–and I close down and get more miserable, and then–
Then he comes to me, like Himself comes to you, and he says "enough" and before we know it we are submerged again. Together again. And like you, I am happy again.
I know being apart from Himself makes it harder, but I do not think it makes it different. I'm glad you're happy today.
Hi,
My friends have just left and it was an amazing night. We laughed a lot and ate a lot and dranks lots of champagne and I am feeling a bit delicate today. I am drinking water and have had beans on toast. All will be well soon.
Hi, Maria! I love that name by the way. Do you know what helps when you feel a bit delicate? Someone saying something lovely and you really did. Welcome and thank you.
In fact so did Hermione and Scarlet too!
I never thought of Himself being famous. I do think he is handsome, he really is and his voice is wonderfully handsome too. The sauce was great and not one person said they would have made one by hand, apparently I am the only one that would consider making it. I will see him in less than a month.
Scarlet, thank you for telling me that. It is good to now that other people do the same things that I do. We are lucky to be so loved, are we not? I think the apartness is managable because we found each other and this feels like an amazing love, it is worth the trials of missing each other.
Oh Poppy, sounds like you had such a bad week, I am glad Himself has helped and your happy today. I only wish I could make time go faster for you so you could be with him but not long now.
I'll close the door quietly as I leave
Love,
Ronnie
xx
Tee hee.
My week got better. Friday was good, so busy I almost fell off my feet but good.
Thank you, hugs,
xx
Poppy, you have lots of wonderfully sweet friends.
(Blushing a little, Hermione!
)
I too am glad you are feeling your center again. I suppose you have THE DAY circled in red. Glad your dinner party was a huge success,and your smile is back as well. Have a great weekend!
Poppy, you are happy and especially loved. You have many friends out here and we all love such a brilliant and beautiful woman. Your beauty goes far beneath the surface, and your brilliance lights the way for us all to feel better about ourselves and to enjoy life all the more.
So glad your week ended on such a positive note, and I hope that continues for the rest of the weekend and into the new week. You are loved, child.
Thank you, Scunge – I have it in my head- the date- and have a count down ticking every day. I hope you have a wonderful weekend too.
Michael, now you made me blush. You say the sweetest things. I don't know what to say at all. I feel a bit quiet and will sit still for a bit. xxxxx