I don’t know enough about the spanking world to know if I am a cliché.
Is it a cliché to be a girl that got away with everything all her life and just wanted to be caught, stopped, and made to care?
This is all very new and I am struggling to write about it so I am resorting to just putting the words down and seeing how it comes out. I will not rewrite and rewrite. I will do this like a diary. I will write it and walk away. Anything else and I will change it and make it less real.
It is only just that now, finally, am I being caught and it feels very odd indeed. It feels like wearing a new piece of clothing, it feels like stiff leather, and it feels almost uncomfortably bright.
Since meeting Himself I have grown used to accepting that I would feel guilty if I kept things from him. That is still a new sensation.
Then came the realisation that I could not lie to him. I am an expert liar. I am not rude or unkind but I can lie. I don’t lie here. There would be no point writing a word, but I retain the ability lie. When I grew up I lied all the time. It was so easy and that way I could do whatever I wanted. It was easier than the alternative of admitting that it didn’t matter to anyone what I did. I had fun. I felt free. It was terrifying but it was freedom. When I try to lie to Himself I go scarlet in my face, I can’t look at him, and I mumble. I could cry when he looks at me when I am trying to lie.
Finally, and very recently, we have evolved still further.
He knows.
He knows when I have done something and he asks, and things that I have no intention of telling him come sliding out.
I think I can be pretty OK with words but I can’t even begin to tell you the shock of this.
If I do something that lets me down, and so something that lets him down, he knows.
If I disobey him, he knows.
If I endanger myself or do anything to make myself unhappy, he knows.
I can’t do things in secret anymore. He knows.
He knows because, even if just one time in a million he can’t sense it, I tell him. I tell him the truth because … and then I get stuck. I could write something that sounds pretty but it would not be the truth.
I just want to sit quietly for a while. I wish I were curled up in his lap.
He would hold me tight. I would be less confused in his arms.
Soon, I will be in his arms.
I will be very happy indeed.
Poppy, this is an awesomely honest post.
There is really nothing to add, except that you are both incredibly lucky to have found each other.
Warm hugs,
Paul.
Thank you, Paul. We are lucky, aren't we?
Isn't it a lovely day today? I imagine it is glorious where you are.
Poppy love your blog you have lovely pics of youand other cute lil girls ,Devlin is a very lucky boy to have you to spank and as a girlfriend ,love and spanks ,tim xx
Poppy, you've given me a lot to think about, and to try to understand about myself as well. After reading this I feel a bit disquieted, a bit full of wondering (the real meaning of "wonderful?"), and an uneasy sense that Dev knows what he's talking about when he talks about paying attention.
There is nothing so simple in life that something complicated isn't right beneath the surface. Thank you for shining a little light there.
"Caught, stopped and made to care" is really insightful. I'm very impressed with your reflections, and I love how you articulate your feelings. I feel this way about my husband, yes it's about attention but it's also about being returned lovingly to stability and balance. I don't wonder about it, myself, although I used to. Now I'm just grateful.
Lorraine, I, too, liked "caught, stopped and made to care." Thank you for highlighting that phrase. I am still in the wondering part of this journey, but hope someday to just be grateful, as you are.
Blushes.
I am all pink from the heat here and have come inside to watch the second half of the football (loathe the sport but what is a girl to do when it is her country?) and saw all these comments.
Hi, Tim, how lovely to meet you. I feel very lucky to be his girlfriend. We are both lucky, I think.
Scarlet, I never thought about real meaning of wonderful before but I think you may be right. It is a very odd feeling to have such a man pay such close attention. I wonder if that is large part of love. If paying attention is so much of what we need. I like to think it is.
Lorraine, hello and welcome. I was talking about just that "being returned lovingly to stability and balance" today to Cookie on her blog. I am grateful too. Happy and grateful. Thank you for commenting.
Lovely post, little girl.
Thank you.
What honesty, what bravery. Thank you very much, Poppy, for baring your soul, and letting us into your tender heart. How I adore both of you.