I went to a school with a very strict uniform. It was a co-educational boarding school for children aged 11 to 18.
Think about that for a moment.
There were a few hundred children to young adults going through those hardcore emotional and hormonal changes in a remote school with hundreds of tiny secret rooms, and a tiny number of masters to keep an eye on us.
So why on earth were there so many rules about uniform (and hair and make up) which we wore for only a few hours a day? They should have been far more bothered about what we got up to when we were out of uniform, in every respect.
I politely asked this one day. I was genuinely curious, and the master I asked (a real stickler for uniform detail, such as that not a single hair should touch your collar whether you were a boy or a girl) was kind enough to tell me the reason. This reason has stayed with me and resonated true for the rest of my life.
It is particularly true for girls like me. I think it is truer for me now than it was then. It m
ay be true of you or of the girl you love, so here goes.
ay be true of you or of the girl you love, so here goes.The tie matters because it delineates an area for the pupil to focus on. The pupil, as she grows and develops and finds her feet, needs a safe area for rebelling, for pushing against and testing the boundaries. The master has to set where the boundaries are.
He can pick anywhere he chooses. He may choose (at a school like I went to) drugs or sex.
If the uniform matters but is not worth making a fuss over, then he may deliver a mild rebuke for a poorly worn tie or some shoes that are not black, but no real punishment.
Real punishment would wait, in that instance, for the pupil who was caught in flagrante, or in possession of some illicit substance.
The problem with that, he explained, is that young people have to push against authority. It is their duty, and one should not be angry about it. They must see if they are noticed, if what they do matters, and if the people caring for them are strong enough to stand up to them. It is not personal when they challenge a master, and it is not lack of respect. It is simply what they must do.
So the master has to choose his battleground carefully.
If he decides that the line to be held is the very important one of hardcore personal safety (like drugs and sex) then the pupil will take the battle to that arena, and will be harmed when she rebels.
The master will be under the gun too. He can’t miss anything of the rebellion which, in that case, would be very hard to spot. He can’t get it wrong for a moment, or there is the real possibility of long term harm befalling his charge.
Everyone involved is stressed. The master is stressed because he must be absolutely on top of his game or disaster will befall them, and the pupil is stressed because so fa r she has felt ignored, unloved, and unsafe.
So instead he picks an area that doesn’t matter so much, but that is highly visible, and that gives scope for rebellion.
The pupil does a funny knot in her tie, or wears a badge on her ludicrously expensive blazer, and feels the awful thrill of rebelling when she is caught and has strips torn off her. [Editor's note especially for American readers - the last phrase is English boarding school parlance for a severe scolding, and not to be taken literally] She sees the spot she needs and pushes against it. Her honour is sated, her self is expressed, and she has found her battleground.
The master knows what his role is and he may carry it out. It is nothing to do with quashing her spirit, and nothing to do with making automatons who are unable to be exciting or innovative.
It is about freeing the pupil to use her energy and her talents in ways she really wants, whatever they may be. She still may struggle against authority, and she can question it (after all, questioning it was just what I was doing) but she will save her energies for fights against injustice and for meaningful change, rather than for self-serving rebellion.
A little while ago all this came back to me.
I was arguing endlessly and frantically against going to bed. I am not a rebellious person, and I have no axe to grind against authority. I grew
out of that years ago. I am perfectly capable of spotting authority that needs to be challenged, and I can do so without much stress.
I am not fourteen anymore. But when the only rule that mattered was bedtime I fought it with all I had.
I need to find the line still. and push against it. I will find it wherever he sets it, and push hard. I need to know he is strong enough and cares enough to hold the line. I need to know that he won’t give up on me. If he has only one rule (such as bedtime) I will fight him on it. I need the to and fro of that push. It isn’t about rebellion, it is about safety and security. It is about feeling loved. It is what I am.
He knows that.
So I am not allowed to swear, stick my tongue out, be rude, look at web sites that upset me, or ignore him. I have to do what he says, always, even when he is a total … well, you get my drift. There are as many rules and structures as I need to make me feel secure. I push a little against bedtime, but very rarely since by 10:30 I have often been put in my place for one reason or another.
By the time he tucks me up I already feel just how I need to.
He moves the line, the line that used to be about neckties when I was a child, to wherever I need it to be.
I find it all around me and I push; he holds it steady and I relax.
Poppy, good morning.
Good post, very nice point about the line, we need that line to grow, I mean nice in the original meaning of that word.
We need limits to push against, to grow, and to feel secure when they don't give much.
Many of the problems with youth today,is that there is no line, no limits, so they are somewhat lost.
I think that the active word here, is need.
He gives you what you need, so you feel secure, loved and relaxed, and hopefully sleep well.
Warm hugs,
Paul.
Poppy, I think you've got it figured out!
Poppy, this is amazing. I didn't know much about English boarding school, and your insight into rebelling and pushing against the line gave me a lot to think about: about myself, and about my daughter. We do need limits, and I need to think about that today.
Paul, I am so glad you enjoyed this. He gives me lots of what I need, tonight almost too much.
But you know that just means I will sleep very soundly feeling utterly loved.
Karl, I love it when people think I have things figured out.
Scarlet, we all need limits I think. I think it is partly how we find love. The balance of freedom and security, trust and love and just enough well placed conflict to make sense of everything.
I hope you have a wonderful Friday.
Poppy, you are a very smart girl.
Yes, Scarlet, she is. The flip side, and not necessarily the down side, though is that she also can be a very smart alecky girl, which gets her into all kinds of trouble. I sense that you also have such issues.