The other night I did not go to bed when I was told. I was in a strop because I don’t like going to bed, I worry I will miss out on something and I worry that he doesn’t want me with him. So despite being dead on my feet and my eyes popping shut every three minutes I fought it with all I had. I lasted about four minutes and then he read to me and I fell asleep before the end of the first page.
We are not together at the moment (we will be again soon) and as I fell to sleep I knew I was in trouble but he made me promise not to fret about it and I slept. I know if he had been there it would have been very different. I can’t quite work out at what point he would have had enough and spanked me but I know he would have done. I suspect it would have been sometime during the four
minute struggle but who knows?
Previously when I have fought sleep he has spanked me long, long before it was needed every time. My little shorts come down with practised speed of hand and I get swept towards him in the dark. I am never quite ready for it and feel slighted at how misunderstood I have been. I kick and splutter and tell him how wrong he is until I just say “OW!” and it is some point after this he stops. I have often slept with my bottom sticking out of the sheets, cooling in the night air, a red moon for the white one.
Throughout all these times I feel about twelve years old. When I am not being spanked I feel a teeny bit older than that and at work I range from about eleven years old to about a hundred and two. My birth records show that I am thirty six, my Wii fit says I am twenty seven, those that shall not be mentioned think I am ancient, my big brother thinks I am a child.)
I feel about twelve to fourteen.
I have been thinking about this topic a lot recently. I know lots of people disagree with me but I think that being told off and having a spanking, an OTK, knickers down, kicking your legs in the air type, sorting you out no matter what you say” style spanking – none of these strike me as the most adult way to live. To me, there is an unarguably childlike aspect to it.
It is not just what is done it is why and how it is done. It is that he decides and I accept (accept may not be the right word but it is close enough). It is an authority figure that is stern, loving and forgiving and another figure that is playful, naughty and somewhat impulsive.
It is not play though, not a pretend scene. It is real elements of ourselves that ebb and flow with all our personality traits.
I know that there are very adult aspects to TTWD. There are dungeons and whips and chains, the sometimes theatrical and other times terribly serious adult punishments or playtime that I can’t pretend to understand. I don’t do this and I don’t understand it. I also don’t understand radiation therapy or thermodynamics – both of which are terribly good things.
So I am not even thinking of saying that everyone has a child like aspect to the TTWD or that those who do not are wrong, just horses for courses and everyone should be happy.
I do think all people can have elements of childlike and childish. We can all be childish.
When we don’t want to share, we sulk and want out own way despite the cost to others. It is when we are demanding, histrionic, impatient, lacking in personal responsibility, when we manipulate others to fit in with our own games. We know people like this. They are hideous at work, terrible in social situations, expensive and destructive in society and wearing as family. I suppose part of adult hood is learning how to cope with childish people without resorting to terrible traits oneself. 
I know it is extreme but if you have a terrible urge to see a grown up throw a proper toddler tantrum watch this lady who has missed her flight.
I can cope with the childish people around me. I am sometimes childish myself (but he can have a SWAT team approach when that happens) but I prefer and am developing a healthy respect for child like.
I like the juxtaposition. Work is tough at the moment, I am not going to list why, we could each of us recite a list of why work is tough. I enjoy my job very much but there are parts of it that make me go “Arrrgghhh.” I am sure this is the same for everyone.
But at work I am assertive, deal with problems efficiently and without fuss and almost never punch people on the nose for being stupid and mean.
Childlike matters. It matters to play, to have fluff in my life. It matters to have fun for no good reason except that it is fun. To me childlike doesn’t need accoutrements or special routines, just an acceptance of all elements of oneself. There are some clothes that help (high heels are out as are dark suits, both of which I do all week at work) and some activities that don’t (car tax, getting lime scale off taps) but I think everything has its place.
I love the smell outside when the seasons change, I love to catch leaves that fall when I run no matter how stupid I look as I lumber from one side of the track to the other. When I run in the snow I stick my tongue out to catch the flakes. I love to read fairy stories and to day dream. I could spend hours looking at the stars and just wondering.
I like that I can be fluffy sometimes. I like that I don’t have to know all the answers all the time, or solve every problem. I like that I can play around and curl up on his lap. I like that not everything has to be so horribly serious all the time.
I like to tweak him and make him laugh. I ask a millions questions a day and can take my time learning the answers and letting myself form around what I know. I am changing (as I said on an earlier post) because I am letting myself be childlike.
I am growing up all over again but this time slowly and with love. I like finding this part of myself. Sometimes I worry- should I try to deny this part of me?
But then I look at the bored people who have forgotten how to play and the people who are so in denial of their own childlike parts that they scream and shout and can’t hear a thing.
If people get uptight and think I am wrong, I shall both bite my tongue and stick my tongue out at them and let them make of it what they will.
What about you? How do you feed the childlike aspect of yourself? How do you take care not to be all grown up too fast and to avoid forgetting what you once knew? 
(I am not having any kind of discussion about the difference between childlike and real children. I am simply not going to discuss children in any aspect at all on this blog. I know you agree.)
I find that I can't help but feel childlike,
I love vintage children's books and bare-feet,
I like catching fireflies in the summer and
licking honey off the spoon. I love my polka-dot
Pj's and I still have my tiny stuffed rabbit from when I was a wee girl. I equate this immature part of myself with freedom and imagination. It feels like sunshine warm on my skin. And I Love Love Love laps, sitting in them off course, not over them.
Sometimes I hate having a particular decision made for me and it angers me to have a boundary set for me when I think I can darn well set my own. But the flip side is *He* absolutely treasures me and respects me. He just will not take any guss off me and wants me to behave well towards everyone and control my temper.
But sometimes my temper just wants to have a tantrum and it can be very convincing when I am not thinking clearly. ***giggle***
I never asked for spanking to be a part of my relationship, it just evolved. Which made it very difficult for me. It can be very playful and funny how toppy my *He* is. Yet then it can be also, as you put it, v.e.r.y. OUCHY!!!! I find I treat my guy with a great deal more respect and understanding then I have relationships of the past. Sore bottom, rules, consequences aside. The part that makes it all worth it is the safety, heat and love I feel curled in his lap laughing myself silly at he teases me.
Pippa, I loved your comment. I saw my first fireflies this summer, I saw them with Himself and we were both relieved as I had started to think that they were a figment of his imagination (bottoms on fire, not to hard to think he made that up.)
I know just what you mean when you call it the "immature" part of yourself but that almost sounds like a bad thing and the pleasure you get is real and valid and is not based on materialism or hurting others. I think this may be some of our finest parts!
Boundries make me bonkers too. I am so sorry that they do, but they do. I am going to grow out of it in about two, maybe three, decades.
Your relationship sounds very much like mine. What lucky girls we are.
Fireflies are so neat. Like tiny fairies.
{I giggled at your joke, to right! I would suspect that a fib regarding such a creature might not be such a stretch}
I know that I should be accepting of how
very good it is to be immature and my wholehearted desire to remain that way.
But sometimes I struggle with it.
After hearing all my life in a joking fashion from my very own Lost Boys that I needed a good spanking- It is ironic that now that I am getting smacked on my rump,I cannot tell a one of them. ***N' there is not such thing as a ***GOOD*** spanking, just a ouchie one! Although not to discount that slap on your rump as *He* is walking by. That's just deadly sexy!
So while we are two very lucky girls. The knowledge about what has shaped/is shaping us and made us feel secure and lovely and free to be childlike is still a very shush secret for me. I envy you the freedom of this blog to trumpet what a lovely man you have and how he is guiding you and helping you. It is obvious in what he writes that you fill him up with sparkle as well.
Commenting here, reading your take, it makes the secret less lonely, sort of like a happy little glowy secret that you whispered into your friends ear as wee thing.
Then you fell into a heap of giggles.
Pippa, we just had a moment!
I am writing a post for next week (I know, but how is a girl supposed to keep it all together without forward planning?) and your last paragraph is almost exactly what I was just writing. Blimey.
It is a secret for me too, all of this but as you say, we can tell each other and we can be honest about it here.
I hope that some other girls read this too and feel a bit less alone. I think that is what I want to do, just to say "Hello, me too. Shhhh, it can be our secret." and giggle, just as you say.
Poppy, you are wise in your youth.
Too many of us lose or are ashamed of the child in us.
As long as you remember what you have written here you will remain young at heart.
This is the quality that adds zest to the flavour of our lives.
I'm sure that it is one that Himself treasures and loves in your personality.
It is also part of what keeps me returning to this blog.
Warm hugs,
Paul.
Paul,
You are so, so lovely to me. I have no idea what I did to deserve such kind comments. We all forget what makes us happy sometimes. What we take for real life takes us over and we get too busy to remember to be happy. Let's be remember and be happy.
Poppy – Shortly after I read your post, I read this in a book I am reading. I thought I would share it with you…
"Families, friends, and couples who play together report feeling greater intimacy and closeness, and this sense of closeness develops at a faster rate than normal. Adults spend too little time at play, according to research,and would benefit greatly from spending more time at it."
Maybe this bit of research can get you a later bedtime…?
Good luck,
Ally
I love the child side of me. I wouldn't be who I was without her. Autumn really makes my inner child hyper, haloween, bonfire night, conkers, blackberry picking and kicking up leaves, mittens on string its just too much to fit in.
i'm 28 and I still get asked for ID and I attribute that to feeling young at heart almost everyday. I like my inner child and to be honest I think denying or ignoring your inner child is more damaging than people think.
Come play some time. *hugs*
Sammy
Everyone should be true to themselves!
Good advice, Angelika, and I feel you are very much like dear Poppy, two English brats who are unique and precious.
Ally, that is a great quotation. I do think it is right that people have time to play and relax and have fun. I also think that a later bedtime is never, ever going to happen but I will give it a whirl.
Sammy, what a fabulous list! And we really should play, can't we do a wii fit thing over the ether? I love your take on the inner child.
Angelika, we should be true, just as you say. vive la difference and all that.
Michael, can we be alike and unique? Heh ho- we can give it a go.
Poppy, many yrs ago (I was in college) a professor who was also a good friend turned 40. He told me this:
"I used to think "When I grew up I would…(be able to do anything, feel in charge. Things would always go right). When I was a child I thought at 18 I would be a grown-up. When I was 18 I realized it would be at 25. When I turned 25 I figured "grownup" would come in my 30's. Now that am 40, I know this IS grown-up. It is not what it looked like to me as a child. My fantasy of a grown up who could be in charge at all times, always right, invincible, was a child's fantasy of what grown-up looked like."
I think this is it kid. We are who we are. If we are lucky and work hard we continue to grow and learn and mature. At 52, I can be very mature and childlike, and sometimes that is a problem and sometimes a lot of fun. It's come to be mostly ok.