How He Did It.

I am changing. I am not sure I like it, I am not sure it will stick, I am bothered and bewildered. (I do suspect bewitchment, if you were just about to ask that.)

I have had a tough old week at work. Like everyone, it gets hard sometimes and we all soldier on and work harder. Then breathe, rest and return. I love my job but I think this week I would rather just have stayed at home.

So, this Friday I got an extension at bedtime, time to play, be silly and relax. I have to be too serious and too in control at work and I needed a break from that.

I do not know why but sometimes I find it very, very hard to be told what to do. It makes me dig my heels in and square up for a fight.

I think I want him to give up and say, “You are too hard to be in charge of. You are on your own.” And then I could be unhappy, hard-shelled and the same as I ever have been.

It is hard to be a woman. I know it is hard to be a man too. I just think it is difficult sometimes to be tough and hard and then let go and find our soft part that we hid for safety’s sake.

So on Friday I was ready to fight it. You know when you steel yourself for the struggle? Even though all night I was falling asleep and wanted nothing more than bath, book, bed, I felt honour bound to stay up until later than I had been told.

He came to tuck me in and I went. I think one stands a greater chance of victory if one appears to give a little first.

I did not mean to be as sulky and as difficult as I was. I did not mean to be horrid but I think I was.

Despite all my mini-tantrums and sulking and threats of never speaking to him again I found myself (with slightly injured pride) in bed with the lights out just when he said I would.

I was furious.

I was never going to sleep.

I could have bitten him. (Did that once, I would not dare do it again, but I wanted to)

And then within about three minutes I didn’t want to be like that anymore. He never so much as raises his voice. He is endlessly patient with me and kind and I wanted to be back with him again, I wanted to be good.

I am sorry if this sounds childlike. But I think sometimes I am childlike, I think that is just the way that I am. I think I fought this for a long time.

But in essence, I get told what to do, I have a bed time. I get told off (which makes me curl up in a ball of shame and sorrow) and put in the corner. I am often spanked with my knickers off , put over his knee, over his arm, over the bed, over a counter and a few other horrid positions that I may write about one day but not blooming yet. (I shudder when I think of them.)

My childlike is often bad tempered, stroppy and difficult. Well, I think it is. It may have nicer bits too. I am not sure about those right now.

Before bedtime last night, when we were chatting, I felt terrible. We were just doing our regular daily update (my work/ his work) but I could hardly look at him. I had done something tiny that was bad. He had told me not to do it and I had done it anyway. He did not know but I did and I just wanted to cry. He knew something was up and he made me tell him.

I told him and he told me off and sorted me out as only he can.

But the key point is this.

At bedtime I wanted to

be good again. I sought him out and said sorry for being tricky and he forgave me straight away and I felt ten times better and fell asleep in moments just like he said I would.

When we were talking I did not want to keep a secret from him even though telling him would lead to telling off and other such horridibility. (Yes, that is a word.) The link to this picture, in case you are concerned, is that it is like taking my own knickers off and laying myself over his lap without being compelled to do so. That will happen. Sometime in the future, when we all live on Pluto.

I have not once in my life ever been this kind of girl. I am changing.

I am becoming someone I never thought I was good enough or pure enough to be.

I love him very, very much.

I am not going to be good all the time, you understand, just sometimes I might not be naughty for a little bit. Baby steps and all that. I would not want to be so good that he could never spank me, that would make him sad and what kind of girl makes her boyfriend sad?

Would you like another?