Disobedience

I have been reading a lot recently on obedience which is all very well and good except after trying for almost a whole week to be good, with varying amounts of success, I am now bored of obedience and feel the call of the wild once more.

It is not that I do not want to be obedient. I want him to be proud of me and I want him to be relaxed with me and not always looking over his shoulder wondering what I am up to.

I have just read that again and realised it is not quite true. I want him to wonder what I am up to all the time only not with a sinking feeling.

I am just not comfortable with being good. It seems such a waste of a life. If you always do merely what you ought to then how do new things ever get done? How is fun to be had? I think it is a vital part of life to be disobedient but it needs to be done in a certain way, and I think I should write a little about what it means to me to disobey.

There is disobedience and disobedience. Being bad is an art; it takes thought. Disobedience that I am not a fan of exists. There are sorts of disobedience that are not the stuff of happiness for anyone.

The first of these sorts is manipulation. This is doing something wrong on purpose to get someone else to do something. I don’t like it because it plays with the Top’s emotions. I have to assume emotions are involved because they are involved for me. It is planning ahead and not caring how he feels; it is knowing just what you want and making him do it. It may even include, “You cannot do this because in my past I …” or “I have to do this because in my past I …” and not caring about the consequences or even trying to challenge yourself. I know people do have real limits but they are rare. I think it is wrong to resort to this as a safety net when things do not go your way. It is using ppeople in the worst way. I don’t think the man I know would fall for this. I think he would do something but it would not be what I wanted.

The second is the harming of self or others or just harming stuff. I think this may be connected to manipulation. When you do something you know will hurt someone it is not naughty. It is blackmail, and takes time and energy to come back from. It is making a battleground of your relationship.

The third is the selfish disobedience. When he is tired or just wants a time of chatting and relaxing, that is not the time to tweak him. It is the time to make dinner and mix him a mojito. Maybe about twenty minutes into a mojito you could do a mini tweak, just to make him smile.

Selfish disobedience includes pressing his buttons. The man I adore really doesn’t like swearing. I am torn on swearing. I like the feeling of a good, guttural Anglo-Saxon expletive but I don’t like to hear myself swearing lots and lots. I don’t use those words in front of him, and I don’t use them when I write. I am not saying I never would use them, and I think maybe when I get better at making things up I may write a person who needs to swear and I will let her, and he will understand my need to write it that way.
But I know that swearing is something that he does not like and so I don’t do it very often. The odd minor swear word bobs up its fuzzy little head every now and again but none of the major league players. Then maybe one day a word might slip out but it will be a genuine accident. I will still get in trouble for it (he is nothing if not consistent) but it will not be done to spite him or in spite of him. That is because I love him and I would not hurt him.

There is an unhappy disobedience, the kind where you push him away, the kind where you make yourself into what you are not, and then you feel a hard shell around you instead of taking the risk and holding out for the arms. I don’t like this type but I do it. I don’t do it a lot and I do it less than I once did. He is frighteningly good at coming to get me when I push him away. He is the first man who is not in the least bemused or confused by my double talk. He sees right through me and I am glad he does, despite what he does about it afterwards.

I am happier when I feel clean and pure but it is hard to help myself be that, almost like I don’t deserve goodness. But he thinks I do. I think that is one reason he insists I behave no matter how dull that might be.

I am shaking all the serious stuff off now. All of that emotional tussling and thinking things through is over. Now for the fun stuff, the stuff that makes me smile and giggle.

There are many, many types of disobedience that I not only favour but also make my life’s work. These types may overlap but for simplicity’s sake, because there may be Tops reading and I would hate to befuddle them, I will write about each separately.

Disobedience #1 – The Camouflage
This type of disobedience does not jump up and declare itself to the world. It saunters in as though it were supposed to be there and sits at the back sipping coffee and reading a paper. This is doing something in public that only your Top knows is bad or, and this is my favourite, doing something with such a relaxed and righteous air that he does not notice until you are at least half way done. Watching that realisation crawl across his face is priceless. Well, normally I watch only the first third, and high tail it after that point.

Disobedience #2 – Little Miss Naughty*
This is always a judgement call. It is the amusing, thoughtful act, the kind that makes me giggle. It is the tiny little push beyond what you are supposed to do, the cheekiness that makes his eyebrows go up a little. It could stump the lesser Top or lead to overkill, but the man who is in charge of me knows just what to do about it.

*Little Miss characters are from a series of books for children and I will not disparage you by explaining Little Miss Naughty.

Disobedience #3 – The Project
We (I don’t know quite who we are but nevertheless “we”) often talk about what makes a good Top but I think that to be a Brat of merit (“good” would be pushing it in this instance) takes effort too. Anyone can tell someone to F-word off, but how dull is that? I think that proper disobedience often takes thought, forward planning, and a basic knowledge of physics. I have learned far more science as a brat than I ever did at school.

Disobedience #4 – Heartfelt.
Sometimes I am bumbling along being good and boring and then I do something wrong that I kind of meant but still it came from somewhere I did not expect. I have not thought it through, it was not designed to hurt, but it simply slipped out. Often these result in the hardest punishments but the most rewarding since I did not notice myself leaving his control, and yet he pulled me right back to where I am happiest.

Disobedience #5 – Freefall
This is like summer days or holidays naughtiness. It is the playful and fun type that just bubbles up and pops out. This type often makes a Top laugh. I think however that the Top should stop laughing before he swoops you up and turns you over his knee. I like to think that he is still laughing because it was so, so funny but somewhere in me is a sneaking suspicion that he no longer is laughing with me.

Disobedience #6 – The Genuine Mistake
I do try to be good most of the time. Well, maybe not good so much as a good girlfriend. Sometimes I stuff up. I don’t mean to but I do. I don’t plan to, it just happens. I tell him about it if he hasn’t seen me do it and we talk a little, and then he sorts me out. I don’t like this bit but then he forgives me and because I am sorted out and forgiven then I can forgive myself. Whatever has happened is over and we are okay. I love that.

But no matter which kind of disobedience it is, no matter whether it is the right or the wrong kind, he never gives up or says it is too hard to deal with me. He never overreacts and he never gives in and he never, ever makes me feel like I am anything other than very loved.

Maybe this is what it feels like to be good.

Would you like another?