I wrote this post almost a week ago, planning for it to go up today and I want you to know from the start that I managed the whole week except for one blip – not a tiny blip but a blip nevertheless.
I had this post planned for weeks. It was to be a whimsical piece about how wronged I am to have a (sigh because it sticks in my throat) bedtime.
The piece I was to write was a coy piece. I would not spell out my ignoble routine. I would not have said that on work nights I go to bed at 10:30 and at the weekend (which does not include Sunday no matter how much it should) I have to go to bed by midnight.
In this post I would not have explained how going to bed is not all I have to do. I am not allowed to read for twenty minutes (or an hour and a half) or play music but rather I have to have everything off and be curled up in the dark trying to sleep. I am reduced to the status of something teeny, tiny at the end of every day. About four hours before I could have been leading a meeting or telling huge number of people what to do but by 10:30 pm I am normally pouting and being made to lie down and try to find sleep.
I say ‘trying to find sleep’ as I have this terrible habit of fighting sleep no matter how tired I am. I would love to know if anyone else has this terribly destructive and inconvenient habit.
This aversion to sleep is a great shame because my working day starts at about 7:15 and often lasts twelve hours. I work in the evening as well. The number of times I have tried to take off the mascara that I think has ended up ender my eyes only to realise that it is, in fact, just huge dark circles would depress you. I need sleep.
The other reason this aversion is a shame is because when I sneak back up he always, always catches me and then he is most assertive and insistant about the whole thing. Although he always lets me explain he never seems to think that my reason for getting up again is a good one. Some people have no idea about priorities. He then comes up with the most horrible ways to “sort me out.”
And still I fight being sent to bed. This is made worse by the occasional person who laughs at me and mocks me having such a childish routine. (This is someone within this TTWD world, not a vanilla friend). I understand it is funny but it makes me mad sometimes that other girls get to stay up and have fun and I have to go to bed. (I sound about nine years old don’t I?)
Recently I ran into a wall about this. I could not stop fighting it, which was silly because he won every time and it is exhausting fighting such a strong willed man and pointless seeing as I knew I would lose every time. Regardless I fought on.
But last night Himself said something so wonderful that I went quiet and it stuck with me, in my ears and it rang there all night and the next day. I can’t tell you the words he said as they are for him and me only and they were so perfect and so insightful that I want to be keep then a secret. But in essence he said that he does it because he loves me , I should be proud of being loved like that. He explained that not everyone is and I should be happy to be loved by someone who is keen to notice what I am up to all the time.
And do you know what? I am happy to be loved like that and because I have been so difficult I am going to try to not argue when he packs me off to bed.
So I really am going to try, not for ages (let us not make promises we cannot keep) but maybe for a week. I am going to imagine how I would feel if he stopped doing telling me to go to bed.
For one week I will be good about doing as he says without arguing for twenty minutes. It is a start though, isn’t it?
(PS I wrote this on Sunday but I will leave it until Saturday to post it but by then Himself should be most impressed by me. I am somewhat concerned that he will see my irregular behaviour and think that I am ill. I would rather be told off for going to bed late than I would be treated as though I am ill by him. Shudder)
(PPS I also did something awful between when I wrote this and when it was posted. Himself said it was one of the naughtiest things I have ever done. I was trying so hard to be good as well.I am going to a party today – away and overnight- but I will write about it and post it, because that is what I do.)
I need to get my daddy to send me to bed early, that sounds really good, and going to bed at 2am when you have to be up at 7 for work is a really stupid idea, although I do it far more often than I should. On the occasion he has sent me to bed early I always worry that i'm missing out on something.
Hi again Sami!
I always, always feel like I am missing out on something. That is very often because I am. The blite (a cross between a blog and a site) that I frequent has many lovely American people on it and they cannot chat and muck around when I am awake in my eveing because they have the cheek to be at work. When they do talk I am almost always in bed and i wake up to a rather forlorn little comment in the end.
Although I fight bed I get up at 6 am and leave for work at about 7:15 am, I would be dead in a week if I went to bed at 2am. (The chances of me making a week of going to bed at 2am are slim to none as Himself would say for reasons not wholly unconnected to Himself.)
I don't fight going to bed, per se. I love to sleep! Naps? My favorite guilty pleasure.
But I'm a night owl who has to get up at 5:30 to be at work on time. It's a battle between nature and need and I'm just groggy and confused most of the time. (Except vacations, when I can go to bed about 1:00 and sleep until 9:00. *bliss*)
We all have different rules, boundaries, hopefully always for our own good or that of the relationship. I do know the feeling of fighting, even while knowing it is useless, but fighting anyway. I think for me it was a matter of feeling compelled to resists for misguided self esteem and 'I am the boss of me' ideas (which I really, really thought I was SUPPOSED to be for a very long time!) and also not really accepting the dynamic, deep down, because this stuff is challenging. There are layers, and it goes deeper and deeper, and sometimes, that gets very uncomfortable and resistance is an attempt for not only winning, but for finding balance within, maintaining some modicum of control.
I have never had a bedtime, simply because it is a non-issue for me. I have been told to go to bed, though. I am sure I also have rules you don't. I do, however, know I need time to unwind in bed before I sleep. If I just got into bed with the lights out, I would work myself up, either mulling through work issues or worrying over emotional things, and not be able to turn it off. That is just how I am. I read fiction to let my mind wander away from the day and then it is easier to relax and then sleep. Maybe you could come up with some agreed upon routine that would work a bit better for you?
Thanks for the insightful post, Poppy. The truly best part is when Himself told you something that is abundantly clear, he does this because he loves you.
Enjoy your party and can't wait to hear about it.
Poppy, your skill at explaining yourself is exhilarating.
Reading your posts always leaves me happy.
I'm so glad someone loves you that much.
Warm hugs,
Paul
I'm definitely an early bedtime gal but I could never just go to bed without some unwinding time. I listen to books on my iPod. It's like having someone tell me a bedtime story! I hope you can work out some way to relax when bedtime rolls around. (Bedtime spankings work for me, too!) Meow
I am a night owl so I can understand how hard it must be to go to sleep at an early hour! I will admit though, one of my fantasies is being told a set bedtime by someone who is strong enough to enforce it. But I am sure the reality is much more challenging than the dream
You always have the best pictures with your posts!
I love that first picture! Love the pout on her face and the drop seat pjs.
Wish I could empathize with you on his topic but I happen to be one of those people wired as an “early to bed, early to rise” type – circadian rhythms and all that. I have been given a bedtime and it makes me feel loved and protected and cared for that he has set one for me and expects me to follow it. It gives me a warm feeling in all kinds of places to obey him. TTWD is complicated and I’m still trying to figure it all out. Reading your insightful writing continues to be a great help in puzzling things out. So glad you share with all of us!
I am sorry I have not commented before- I was away and I am sitting here bleary eyed trying to find something sensible to write.
JZ- I think I know what you mean. I have the best bed and comfiest (spelling schmelling) duvet in the whole world, I like to be all snuggled up in it but I just do not like being told to go there.
Sara- I think this struggle does work better for me and for us. It is hard being loved and I think it is sore at first. I think I have to go through this struggle, I think regardless of the routine I will fight it, just you you said you went through with not wanting someone to be the boss of you.
Michael – would it make you very sad to know that it was a vanilla party with champagne and dinner and laughing and friends and stories? There was not one hand laid sternly on one bottom all night. I am terribly sorry. But could you have a word with Himself? He is being most unaccomadating about me staying up late at the party and what is a girl to do?
Paul- thank you and me too.
Meow- he reads to me sometimes, which I love and the other sometimes which I hate. I like him putting me to bed (does that sound odd) I just don't like it when I have to sleep.
LizzyBee- thank you so much, I am glad you like the piccies. It was always one of mine too (along with fifty others which he is working through at a fine rate- despite me never having told him) and you are right the reality is challenging.
Season- That is just how it makes me feel- you helped me right back. I am so glad I have found a man (just like you have) who I can struggle against and he will not just give up.
We are lucky girls are we not?
Poppy, your comment back made me remember. For me, for many of us, early on there is a DD 'issue'. The thing, the struggle, that TTWD gets played out over and around. It's smart to see that, and to know it is so much more than the issue at hand. Good luck with it then! I laugh over it when I think about mine…silly on the surface…but so much was there underneath being worked through and learned!
Thank you so much Sara.
It is comforting to know that this is an expirience shared by others.
(Last night when i could not go to bed I found myself yearning for bed at exactly 10:30 pm but I do not think I will admit that to Himself!)
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